Hello, 4 A.M.

Here I am, sitting in the courtyard at 4:30 in the morning not sure what the hell I'm even doing up. These past few weeks have been a struggle; depressed, crying and chain-smoking. I haven't really hit the nail on the head when it comes to why I've been feeling like this but I'm sure it's deep inside of me somewhere. And it's growing. It's this sick, cancerous lump that's generating inside of me waiting to burst. And I don't want it to. I don't want it to get to a point of no return.
I don't sleep and I barely eat. I find myself skipping meals. I fill my hunger with coffee and endless dream of a better life. I find myself angry with myself because my life could be so much worse. I could be sick. I could be dying. I could be fucking homeless. I'm not.
I think that's part of the problem. I feel sick. Not flu-like sickness but mentally sick. Bogged down with this grey cloud that's not going anywhere anytime soon.
I'm tired all the time. No matter how much sleep I get, it's never enough. I find myself up until 6 in the morning until I can't take it anymore. Until my eyelids won't stay open any longer and my brain just wants to shut off for a few hours. That's the only way I can get sleep. Otherwise, I'm laying in bed and my mind won't shut up.
I thought 2014 was going to be my year. I thought for the first time in my life, things were coming together. Life was finally piecing itself together and I would finally be happy. It started with an engagement. God, that was the best memory I replay in my head. Standing on the streets of New York City as the ball drops next to the love of my life. Next thing you know, he's on one knee proposing; something I have dreamed of since I can remember.
"This is it" I thought, my life was finally coming together. Sure, I didn't have a full-time job and I wasn't in the best situation financially. Before I knew it, we were signing papers to move in together. I lay awake at night dreaming of the times we'd spend together in our little place. Decorating it and making it our own. Something major we could share together and work on. I thought things were going to go perfectly. They did, for about two months.
Where am I today?
Back in El Paso, Texas..
We left the apartment. And we owe them $400.
Things fell apart as quickly as they had come together. We stopped getting along and eventually, he left on his way back home. 2,200 miles away. Without me.
It was the most heartbreaking, crushing moment I have ever been in. I thought I wouldn't go through a break-up again when I found him. I knew he was the kind of guy I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
And he had left.
So, I moved back in with my parents. They thought I was going to kill myself with how sick and sad and empty I had felt. It was hard. Moving back home, carrying boxes back into the home I had took them out of two months prior. Dragging in that entertainment center Kryss and I had bought a few weeks earlier, so happy we finally were able to get some furniture for the apartment.
I laid awake those two weeks trying to keep my mind at ease.. telling myself things would fall into place and I would end up where I was supposed to be. I texted him every day and even tried hearing his voice again. Just to remember what he sounded like because I never want to forget that voice. My best friends voice, the person who had planned to marry me.
It sucks.. thinking that the one person who would of done anything for you suddenly just wanted you out of their life. They wanted to wake up every morning without you next to them. They were okay with going to sleep every night without that final kiss goodnight and those sweet words of "Sleep well.."
Life really has a way of kicking you straight in the stomach.
For weeks I had tried convincing him to let me come back. I'd do anything it took just to have him back in my life. To be able to hug him again, to smell his cologne and to sit next to him in the car while we listened to his horrible music.
I fucking missed my best friend.
Finally, he agreed to let me come back. He was finally ready to try it again. To be one again.
So here I am, sitting here while he's sound asleep. Unable to sleep for reasons I'm not sure of.. but reasons I know in my heart.
Here's the honest truth..
I'm awake because it's hard sleeping next to him sometimes. It's hard knowing that at one point, he didn't want me anymore. Yeah, it was only a few weeks but during that time, I felt hopeless. I let another person consume my whole being. Most of those morning were spent talking myself into getting up that morning, telling myself I would be okay and that he was probably thinking of me.
I'm awake because I'm afraid I'm not going to be what he wants. We both agreed to change. I'm not so sure I can do that. Not that I don't want to.. but we fall into old habits easy. It's always easier said than done. Always. He's done so much for me already but I don't always appreciate it the way I should and things aren't going the way I want. One of our arguments led him to saying "You expect me to be the same, thinking you're my sun and stars and moon and drop anything for you but I won't do that anymore."
Maybe that's why I'm so unsure about everything. Because at one point, he was willing to stop anything I didn't like and to change for me.. not that I outright told him to, but he did them for me. These days, he's not so willing. It's not that I want him to do those things again, it's just that at least if I knew he'd do them for me, I'd know he was at least getting back into his old self again.
I'm awake because I feel like I dropped everything I was doing to come back to him. To be with him again I left my family and job. I didn't give a shit about any of those things because he wasn't in my life to enjoy it all with. And that's all I wanted. I have these plans and goals I want to accomplish but I'm afraid they're not going to happen because of how quickly I was able to drop what I was doing before this whole shit storm happened.
A lot of things happened during our breaking point that still gets to me to this day. A lot of fights broke out and a lot of things were said that I'm not sure are going to ever stay in my past. Yeah, I did a lot of things to get a rise out of him, just like he did for me.. but I'm finding myself always regretting saying those things. And doing those things. And hurting him to his core because I was finding any way to release frustration I had with him deciding to leave.
I find myself wondering if it would be better if I left. Got my things together and took the next bus home. Would I finally be able to be happy again? I honestly don't think so. We'd done too much together and had those special moments that I'm going to miss. And I know sometimes they're only memories and they're supposed to be looked back on and appreciated for what they were in that time. And that's it.
You move on. You repair yourself and eventually you get back on the horse again. But I don't want that.
In my mind, I picture my life with him forever and always. Getting married and pouring my heart out in front of everyone on our day when we finally become one and take the next step. I imagine us fulfilling our dreams together and being there for one another in the good and bad. I imagine us sitting outside of our home one day, wrinkled and still holding hands remembering that stupid falling out we had and the struggle it was to get back to being together again. Laughing at how long ago it happened and how it was idiotic to go through.
I love him. More than anything and I hope he feels the same. I hope I'm his last thought before he falls asleep and I hope he smiles when he wakes up in the morning and sees me resting next to him. I hope he's happy that I'm back in his life again and I hope he doesn't want to go through another experience like we had a few months ago.
I know these late night thoughts and my inability to sleep isn't completely due to this whole ordeal we're going through.. but it's a lot of what occupies my time and mind. I know there are other reasons for my depression and reasons I find myself dreaming of another life. I just hope they're not manifesting itself into something much larger and permanent.

This Time Tomorrow.

I'll be in our new apartment, probably still unpacking and getting settled. Kryss will be at work and I'll be home alone. Part of that thought excites me and the other part is terrified; I've seen too many horror movies so I'll know what to expect. I'll probably end up checking under the bed and the shower curtain 20 times that night just incase someone else came in and wants to chop my body into a million unidentifiable pieces.
It's a little bittersweet for me right now, I've been back home for almost 6 months living in my old room again. So much has changed since I left and this room doesn't even feel like it did before I left. We've turned this one bedroom into our own little home and it's been so comfortable and felt like our own little place, it'll be sad to see it emptied and left alone. This probably seems ridiculous because we're moving into an actual apartment but it's been my place for so many years.
Less than a month ago we signed lease papers and every day leading up to it has felt like an eternity, until I woke up today. Instead of waking Kryss up with the usual "_ days left!", it was spent anxious and nervous because this secretly crept up on us. I've complained so many times that this day seemed like it would never get here, but now that we're less than 24 hours away, it seems like it flew by.
I'll miss..
I'm going to miss this room like hell. The white walls that brightened the room up, the bookshelf Kryss made that is holding all of our souvenirs and cameras.
I'm going to miss being able to wake up and walk downstairs to find my mother. We talk as I'm making a pot of coffee and I won't get that anymore.
I'm going to miss my dog, Alex. Since I came back home, he's been pretty attached to me and it's going to be so sad to leave him again. It's sad to admit, but he's like my best friend. He's always so happy to see me and follows Kryss and I around the house.
I'm going to miss my mother's home-cooked meals. I missed them so badly when I lived in Texas and it was wonderful coming back to them. Kryss makes a pretty good meal but food made by mother's is more special.
I'm going to miss my father's jokes at the most random times. He always has something to say and a comeback for everything.
I'll love..
Getting in the kitchen with Kryss. I am so anxious to make meals with him and sit down to eat.
Not having to tip-toe around the house. My father has difficulty sleeping so we've been extra quiet when we wake up in the middle of the night. It'll be nice to not have to worry about waking him up.
Not having to watch my language. My father hates vulgar language.. but it's a large part of my vocabulary. Sad to admit but it'll be nice to not have to think before I speak all the time. Hah.
More photo opportunities. Sort of an odd excitement but I don't take pictures of myself or others in my parent's house. I'm trying to get into self-portraiture but I can't really do it unless it's in my room. I'm really self-conscious about that kind of thing and it's so lame to admit but it'll be nice not having to be careful when trying to take a picture.

One Week.

In one week, Kryss and I are moving into our apartment. I know I posted about it a lot but things haven't seemed to have really hit us until recently. We've been spending our spare time shopping for our home and getting things in order and figuring out how we're going to get it all done before the first. It's been so stressful but also so exciting. We still have so much to do and I hope things fall into place and come together like we hope they will.
Kryss finished the couch he's been working on for a few days and it looks so much better than I thought it would. I knew he could do it but it came out so perfectly and I can't wait to have it in our apartment. We spent last night looking for pillows and it just looks so good. We went to dozens of stores and searched through hundreds of pillows and fabrics (we almost made our own) but decided we'd spent time on projects that were more important and higher on our list. I'm so glad we decided on him building it, it not only saves us money but it's given Kryss so much confidence and it's made him so proud of his work. He put his all into this project and he's so proud of his creation. He lights up when he talks about it and he tells everyone about it. He even showed the woman at J.C Penny a picture of it and went onto a tangent about it. It's so nice to see him so passionate and confident about something.
Every night before bed we talk about everything. I honestly think this apartment has brought us closer together and it's something we're both ready for and can't wait to move forward in our lives. We've spent most of our relationship living together - with his parents and then mine. But we're finally going to be 100% on our own. We wake up every morning with the number of days until we move and we both get this insane smile on our faces and hug.
We'll get to make breakfast and dinner together every morning and night. We'll get to decorate this place however the both of us see fit. I can finally put my camera collection up and it won't be cluttered on my desk! We can share a cup of coffee in the dining room and talk about our plans for the day.
It's crazy to think about how far the both of us have come in the past six months. I remember before we even moved to New York we sat on his porch at two in the morning talking about our plans. I remember him going on about moving to New York and meeting my parents. I was hesitant because I didn't think it would all pan out. He promised he would do whatever he could to get us here and he did it. And I am so thankful to him and I hope he knows that. He wanted to see another part of the world and he knew how much I missed my parents. We talked about getting a place of our own and I knew it wouldn't happen anytime soon. I didn't think it would even happen within the next year but look at us now. We found a place within six months of moving to New York. We've done everything we said we wanted to do and I couldn't be more grateful than I am right now.
Our relationship has been a series of last-minute decisions and unexpected surprises. We never planned to move out so soon and we didn't plan on getting an apartment so soon. Things seem to have just fallen in place for us and it's nice that things have been going to well for as long as they have.
This new adventure in our lives has given us the chance to become creative again - building furniture, decorating a space of our own and we'll be able to showcase my photography and his drawings.
Thinking back to a year ago, I would have never thought I'd be with someone who treats me so well. Hell, I'm even engaged to this man. I never thought I'd be back home in New York or even moving in with someone. I've dreamt of this kind of life for so long and it's all finally coming together. For so long I've wanted to be an adult, have my own bills (crazy, I know.) and a place of my own with someone I really care about. I've wanted to be considered independent and an adult for so long and it's been a crazy challenge. A lot of ups and downs with numerous disappointments and hardships. It's been such a huge adventure for me - and Kryss and we're both glad we've had each other to go through it with.

An Open Letter To The Bachelor.

Dear Juan Pablo Galavis,
I'm going to start this by saying I had no idea who you were before I opened my Twitter feed this morning. I had no idea you were a Venezuelan soccer player and I had no previous opinions of you.
So gays shouldn't be allowed on The Bachelor? I'm still trying to wrap this around my head and try to understand where you were coming from but I honestly have no idea how logic works for you. I mean, I've spent all day thinking about how I wanted to address this and I gave myself a few hours to really let it sink in and see how I felt when I pondered on the ignorant remarks that were apparently 'misquoted'.
Not only are you saying you have gay friends but you're also calling them and every other gay individual a pervert. I mean, I'd love to know what you meant by this because I doubt it was misquoted and taken out of context as you say. We get English is your second language but come on, dude.. you really expect people to believe you didn't mean pervert but instead you were going for intense and affectionate? How would you possibly get that mixed up with pervert? Also, the whole time you kept saying you respected homosexuals so I'm going to just assume it was to cover up your own close-minded opinion and absurd beliefs on gay people.
You mean to tell me gay people are perverted but there's nothing wrong with dating over two dozen woman.. on national television? Is that supposed to be normal because to me, it's more outlandish than a homosexual. I mean, you are putting these relationships out in the open, getting to know these woman and also being affectionate and more than likely having sex with these woman. You're putting these woman against each other and they're all competing to be with you. There's nothing wrong with that to you? Although I've never seen this show, I read that you had these woman strip down for a photo shoot. So.. that's okay for your daughter to see but not two men or two woman being on this show? Not even just your daughter but for children to see a grown man having woman strip down to take pictures and compete for your "love", that's okay?
There's nothing "too hard" for people to watch if a gay man or woman was on that show, what's so hard to grasp? They're on that show for the same exact reason you are; to find love. What is so wrong with people, who are the same as you trying to find their chance at love? Sure, let this happen and you may have children seeing this and asking their parents why there are two men or two woman kissing on the television. Open the gates to let kids know that there are different types of love in the world, not just one.
Would there be a big difference between explaining why you're kissing another woman or why a man is kissing another man? "They're on this show to find love, Hunny.." should be the answer to both scenarios.
Please tell me how a gay version of The Bachelor is going to be so much harder to watch than a straight version? What exactly is going to be so different from any other season there has been? I'm going to go out on a limb here and just assume you don't agree with having a gay Bachelor because you just picture these sexual acts between men. You're not looking at it from the point of finding love, but lust. You think we're all just crazy sex-fiends and the Bachelor would spend the entire time trying to sodomize these contestants. That's the only logical explanation I could possibly have for this inconsiderate response on your part.
Let me go back to you having friends, especially the one that you're really close to. How do you think these "friends" are going to respond to your remarks? If I were your friend, I would of dropped you the instant I read that interview. For them being your close friends, you sure don't seem to have much support for them. Honestly, you sound like a really shitty friend and you don't deserve them. I'm going to make another assumption that I'm about 95% sure I'm right on; when you told them that you were going to be on The Bachelor, how'd they respond? I bet they were happy for you. I bet they wished you the best and they told you that they hoped you'd find your dream girl on that show. That's what a real friendship is.. someone who supports you no matter what, even if you want to be on national television dating twenty five woman hoping to find "the one".
Educate yourself. That interview showed who you truly were and it was a very ugly person. I hope your friends, the gay perverted ones really give you a hard time about this. I hope you can see how badly you've hurt them. Learn to understand that there are going to be people different than you, who don't need to go on a show and make woman strip down hoping to be chosen to fall in love with you. There is absolutely no difference between two men falling in love or two woman or a man and a woman. Love is love and it sees no gender. I'd also advise you to take another English class because getting perverted confused with the words affectionate and intense is just a ridiculous thing to do.
Best of luck to you,

Steven Beaudry

I Am..

I am..

.. growing increasingly excited for this apartment. I have so much to do before we move and I feel like it'll never get done and that the day will never get here. We've got a little over two weeks before move-in day and time is going so slowly. I also don't think reality has really set in for either of us and I don't think it will until we start packing up the car on the day.

.. debating on quitting the Project 365. I planned it out as a self-portrait everyday, but it's a lot harder than I imagined it would be. I'm thinking of maybe switching it from portraits of myself to a photo of daily life. I think that way it'll be a little be easier to complete that way.

.. trying to find personal blogs. One that don't revolve around pregnancy, DIYs, fashion, etc. It's not my kind of blog and it's all just been done before. I want to read more personal blogs like Susannah Conway and Esmé Wang. Those ladies are my favorite right now because of how raw and honest they are.

.. dying for American Horror Story: Coven to finish. It's my least favorite season and I'm just ready to find out who the Supreme is. It's too back and forth this season, too many deaths that are brought back and I can't stand Jessica Lange this season. She's one of my favorites on that show but they destroyed her this season. Sarah Paulson is just killin' it this season for me, though.

.. hoping to get into couponing. I used to watch Extreme Couponing but that show has went downhill for me, none of it seems real anymore. I was at work today and bought a few items for our place and used some coupons. I bought some Pantene shampoo & conditioner for $0.16. I felt this crazy rush come over me and it made me want to do it even more. I'm not sure the policies around the stores where I live but I'm going to do more research. Hopefully that will diminish some stress I already am anticipating once we do move in and realize all of the bills we've got coming our way.

.. ready to write more. Not just for this blog but for myself as well. Yesterday I opened up a new document and started re-telling a few stories of my past and it was refreshing to do so. It's nice to have these little stories saved on my laptop for me to open up when I need a bit of inspiration or to remember a good or bad time in my life. I'm excited to write more and to experience some new ones for the future.

.. Re-discovering bands I haven't listened to since high school. I do this every few months and I always get this crazy wave of nostalgia that comes over me. It puts me back in that high school stage of my life and it's crazy to think about how I was back then versus the person I am today.

Thank you Wishcake for the original post. 

A Letter To My Younger Self.

This is to that awkward kid just entering High School. The kid that had a poorly done hair job. Black hair and earrings. The kid who felt like he wasn't going to ever be good enough for that scary thing called life. That insecure little boy who spent most of his time in front of a computer locked inside his bright green room the size of a walk-in closet.
Here's the deal, kid. Things are going to be okay. You're just entering high school and you're feeling like things are just going to get tougher. You're afraid because you really don't have many friends, your best friend is your cousin. You try so hard to put this face on like you really don't give a shit what people think but you do. You want people to like you and you want to like other people. You're tired of people judging you for your looks; the piercings, the black hair and your clothing are so different than what people are used to. When it comes down to it, people are judging you based on your looks and that's something you don't need to worry about. People are always going to judge you whether it be your looks or personal beliefs, you can't please everyone. And if you try, you're just wasting your time and effort. So spend it on other things.
So that girl that called you a faggot for wearing that Simple Plan shirt shouldn't affect you like it did. She called you a slur as you passed her in the hallway between class, big deal?  You held your head up high and continued on with your day, completely ignoring her. You weren't going to feed the fire and that's something I think was smart of you.
You were still figuring yourself out at this time and it wasn't easy. You regularly skipped class because you couldn't get yourself out of bed in the morning. You felt this wave of guilt wash over you because you missed a lot of school but you could never fix that about yourself until Junior year. You still passed your classes but it wasn't your best. You knew you could do better than that. Continuing on to college didn't mean much to you until Junior year. We all have our slip-ups, don't beat yourself over it.
You're going to enter those final years of school and you're going to kick ass and surprise yourself by how much you've come along. You're going to join clubs, stay after school with some of your best friends at that time and you're going to turn yourself around like you wouldn't believe. You had this idea of how school would go in your head and how miserable it would be, but it's going to end up being some of the best years of your life. You're going to completely re-invent yourself and it's going to be good for you.
There is one slight problem, though. You're going to meet someone that you believe you will end up marrying. You're going to get accepted for school an hour away and quickly change your mind because you can't stand being away from that person. This was your biggest mistake. You let someone else take over and it's going to end up biting you in the ass.
Don't sweat over anything that happens, because it's all going to work in your favor. That breakup that caused you to move across the United States? So worth it. You're going to see a whole other part of the world, meet amazing people and end up finding the boy you plan to marry. You're going to have your small hiccups in the road but it's just going to end up being the best decision of your life. You're not going to believe how different your life will be by the age of twenty-three, you just wait. You've had all of these dreams and goals in your life and you're slowly making your way towards reaching them.
So, take it easy. Those small mistakes you're going through are just preparing you for your future. Have fun and remember things will eventually get easier. It may not always be the best of times, but you're going to look back one day glad everything happened. By twenty-three, you're not even going to remember that girl that called you that slur, her name or what she looked like. And you're not going to care, either.

On Friendships.

So, 2014 is in full swing. It's been so good to me already. I was proposed to as soon as the new year came and Kryss and I were accepted for an apartment and we move in on February 1st. This year would be starting off perfect if it wasn't for the news about my father that's been lingering for the past few months. I can't let that get me down, though. We're staying positive and we're taking it one step at a time. There's no point in letting it get me down or letting it ruin the good things that are happening. Not to sound selfish, but we can only do so much with a diagnoses like that.
I've never been the type of person to give in to others or to feel like I needed to make the first move after an argument. If I feel like I was in the wrong, I have no problem putting my pride aside and starting a conversation with that person; getting everything out in the open and mending any broken relationships. If I feel like I was wronged, I have no problem letting that person go and forgetting about them. Maybe it makes me sound like an asshole but I was taught to be strong and don't let others bring you down. If that person isn't good for you and isn't a friend to you, get rid of them. There's no point in having a one-sided relationship with someone or beating that dead horse any longer than you need to. I've had a lot of friends that I no longer speak to, whether it was just from graduating and losing touch or getting into a heated argument, it's happened. It's bound to happen to everyone in their lives and it's your choice on whether or not you want to salvage it.
I've learned a lot these past few years, I was forced to be on my own. No friends and barely any family and it's changed me into a completely different person. I've learned to rely on myself and myself only, because even the best of friends can be a bit of a letdown. Living in Texas for that year really shaped me into a more independent person, I've learned that I can be on my own and I'll be okay. I don't need other people. I've always needed a close friend or someone that I could talk to when I hit a roadblock in my life. I always had that one friend I could turn to when I was upset about a situation or sad because of my loneliness.
This year, I'm trying to improve myself even further. I've grown internally and it's been the best thing that's happened to me and I'm so glad everything happened. I recently reactivated my Facebook, thinking it wouldn't be a big deal. It'd be another network to log onto and kill some time with. It actually brought a whole slew of others things that caused me to lay awake at night and think about.
Friends I had lost connection with in particular.
If you know me, you'll see that I can be a very stubborn person. If I'm offended or hear you say something that really doesn't stick right with me, you'll know it.
I lost a relationship with a good friend when I went to Texas over some news that I wasn't happy to hear. The trust I had with that person had been broken and I felt personally wronged. It led me to completely cutting this person out of my life and forgetting about them. I figured I didn't need another person that I wasn't able to trust.
I decided something a few nights ago. Instead of just cutting this person out of my life, why not see where it could go? It wouldn't hurt to try and worst case scenario, we form some kind of understanding and we occasionally catch up. No big deal. So, I added her on Facebook. We ended up talking for awhile and even got on the phone to talk. It was a little awkward at first, but in the end I was glad I did it. We may not be as close as we once were, but it's a thing that may take time. Maybe we'll form a close bond again or maybe we'll just talk once in awhile when something great or terrible happens to one of us.
I went a step further and mended another friendship that was broken. Same thing, we were never really close, but it's still nice to have people in your life to talk to once in awhile. To be able to talk about your day, good or bad and get some positive feedback.
Though I never expected to fix these relationships, there are some that I just can't get myself to begin to try with. There are certain people in my life that have wronged me in the worst way possible and it's a definite no for me. There are people that come into your life, teach you a lesson or two and leave. And that's it. No more words spoken between the two of you. You continue on with life and always remember the lessons learned. Maybe once in awhile you'll walk past a building or coffee shop and remember a laugh shared between the both of you and then you carry on with your day. A simple moment to remember a good time in your life with someone who once was and never will be again.
I'm twenty-three years old and I'm not even close to being a full adult. I'm still learning to let go of the wrongs that have happened to me by those I once considered close to me. I feel a bit childish to hold a grudge against someone who once hurt me because it's almost like a playschool buddy breaking your favorite toy. You cry and say mean things and you move on to the next. Some of these wrongs just aren't as minuscule as a toy, though. Some things that have happened to be have left me feeling like I wasn't as important to that person as I once thought.
I'm still learning, though. I'm slowly realizing that just because you feel wronged, doesn't mean you can't make the first move. Approach the situation like an intelligent adult and go from there. Grudges aren't fun and they can tear people up inside. Repair as many broken relationships as you see fit but forget the ones who have no place for your future. Sometimes you've got to have these burned relationships to remember to never let them happen to you again. You'll choose these friends more wisely in the future and you'll learn that you can't always trust those who you once thought you could.

Dreaming Of Our Future Place.

Now that the search for a place to live is over and the paperwork is all complete, I've been spending the past few days dreaming of our future home and how it'll look. I've always dreamed of having a place of my own, decorating it how I saw fit and making it the most comfortable space for me. Now that it's a reality, the possibilities are endless and it's exciting and filled with anxiety. I can't wait to fill our little space with treasures and artwork of our own, but I can already tell I'm going to be a complete mess about it. I know once I finish one project, I'll want to improve it further and try to find some way to make it better. I'll never be satisfied and that's scaring me.
We've got less than a month to move in and we've got a lot of work ahead of us. I didn't think it through all the way but at work I was running through a list in my head of all the things we'll need; big and small. It didn't come to me and it's because I've never had to think about these things but there's so much we need to buy.
Plates, forks, Windex, strainer, paper towels, towels, etc. That's just the beginning. I mean, seriously.. there is just so much to remember when buying for your new apartment. When thinking about a place of my own, not once did it cross my mind, "man, I can't wait to buy that plunger!" - but it's something we'll need. The list almost seems endless. Take all those small items for the place and add bigger items on that list - like internet. We have to call the company and get the internet before we move in. Or after, it doesn't matter. I don't plan on being on the computer much for the first few days anyway, but how in the hell do people remember all of this stuff? I settled on making a list - which hasn't even started because I'm a hardcore procrastinator. That's my problem, I have all of these things I want to get done but I never write them out and I just think them out in my head and hope to God I remember later on.
I think my issue is I'm afraid I won't get them done in time or it'll completely overwhelm me once I see the list. This whole new venture in my life will slowly start to become a reality and it's scary in a way - we've always dreamed of these amazing adventures we're going to take in our adult years, but when it actually happens, it's a completely different perspective and the reality is so much bigger than we thought.
I've been obsessing over Pinterest and Tumblr for some inspiration and ideas for when we move in. There are some amazing ideas but also outlandish ones that I would never even think to do. Who knew there was a whole Tumblr dedicated to furniture made out of pallets? I want all of the pallets in the world now.
Here's some of my ideas and inspiration for our apartment, hopefully it'll strike something inside of you to go out and create something of your own for your home.

Like I said, a Tumblr for all things made with pallets.

I have been anxious over our couch situation. Maybe I'm just a cheapskate but I hate the idea of buying one piece of furniture for hundreds of dollars. Yes, it's for your home and for your comfort and you want quality but this looks both comfortable and so good. The best part is that it's made by you. Not many people can say they made their own furniture for their home, a couch nonetheless. source.

This is one of my favorite D.I.Y decors for your home. Four crates, some wood stain and you've got yourself a living room table. It also gives you space your knickknacks and little decorations. I am so excited to try this and I even went to Michaels to check out their selection for crates. source.

I'm not crazy about all of the holes in the wall that this would take, but it gives so much shelving space for your books and decorations. Maybe for a future home purchase but this definitely gives me a few ideas. source. 

How amazing is this?! I'm not sure the source for this but I would love  to see this being made. 

Elise is one of my favorite bloggers. She got me interested in Project Life and she's got some amazing tutorials. This is one that I'd love to try. 

Violet made a simple silhouette reading lamp but it gives so much life to a room. 

Now that I've looked back and found even more interesting D.I.Y's and apartments, it's making me so much more excited to finally be on my own and create a nice little place for Kryss and I. I suppose I'll get on making that list now, February 1st will be here before I know it. 

2014 Is Quickly Becoming My Favorite Year.

Remember this post? That time we went looking for an apartment and the lady was a complete asshole? Yeah, I didn't forget that. It stuck with me for awhile. It made me feel like we weren't doing as good as we were and that we wouldn't be able to move out of my parents house. It was a blow to the ego for the both of us.
Well, today Kryss and I went looking at a few more apartments. We were trying to be as positive as we could, but still felt that sting from the first place. We called a complex and they said they had one apartment with a one bedroom left so we came as soon as we ended the call. When we got there, they told us a couple just signed the papers to lease it. We left the apartments and sat in the car both extremely discouraged. We felt like things just weren't going right for us and I honestly wanted to just give up. I was so disgusted with being shut down again. We ended up going to Wegmans for a few items and picked up an Apartment Finder catalog and we sat in the car for over an hour and looked at possible places.
No utilities included? No thanks.
$35 fee per person just to view an apartment? You're nuts.
In the ghetto? Nope, just had our first homicide of the year and as desperate as we are for an apartment, I've got some standards left.
Kryss had one more place in mind that he had drove past a few times. I wanted to say no. I wanted to throw my hands up in the air and scream "fuck that." and crawl under my covers and sleep my anger away.
Thank the big guy upstairs I didn't do that.
We drove into the apartments and there was a sign that said "Welcome Home!" and instantly I thought "wouldn't it be hilarious if it ended up being our home!?" but quickly remembering there was no way we'd get a place. The cards weren't in our favor it seemed. We filled out a welcome form, waited for the woman to get back from lunch to show the model apartment and then came back to the office. We told her we really liked the apartment and were interested in applying.
"Application fees are waived this month."
Say whaaaat?!
We sat our happy asses down and applied.
She took our papers and filed them and then told us what we had for a security deposit and how much we'd be paying a month. Before we realized it, we were accepted.
So, Kryss and I will be moving into our own apartment on February 1st. We wanted to give ourselves a few weeks to sort things out and pack.
We also had to tell my parents who aren't too accepting of good news. As with my engagement, my mom just stated how much we'd hate it because dogs weren't allowed and it was only one bedroom. She picked anything and everything to lessen my excitement, but I'm not letting it get to me. 2014 is off to an amazing start and I couldn't be happier with the way things are going.
In the meantime, I'll be pinning my ass off with ideas for our apartment.
I can't believe it's actually happening. I honestly don't think it's even hit me yet and it won't until we're laying in bed for the first night on our own.

Hello, 2014.

Hey 2014, you're off to a pretty amazing start. I expected to celebrate the new year with a kiss at midnight, but it brought an even bigger surprise than I imagined.

We're in New York City running around the streets trying to find the perfect view to see the ball drop. Chaos ensues because we're not the only ones. With a minute to spare we finally decide on a spot, still far from sight but in sight nonetheless. We're surrounded by everyone else waiting for that ball to drop. When it finally does, I get that kiss I'd been dying for for so long. We hug and welcome the new year with all of the excitement we've been bottling up. We're greeted by fireworks across from us in Clinton Square and we take a moment to hold each other and soak in that moment. Finally, Kryss asks me to step to the side with him for a moment to get out of the chaos that surrounds us. 

He gets down on one knee and asks me to marry him. In a calm and excited manner, I say yes. 

So, we exchange rings and hug some more and take in that moment. It's not just a boyfriend relationship anymore. We are closer to uniting as a couple and taking the next step in the relationship. And it's exciting and scary at the same moment. This is something so brand new to me and I'm not sure how to respond to it. 

We finally got home last night and broke the news to my parents. As excited as I was to tell them thinking they'd respond with positive feedback, all we got was a simple "okay." by them. And it hurts me. Last night I let it get me down, but I guess I have to see it from their point.

This isn't something they're used to. My family has never been open about feelings and it's not something they ever plan on doing. I figured with me coming back home it would bring us closer and open us up more than ever. When my sisters got engaged, my parents congratulated them and were so happy for them, but for me it was brushed aside. I'm not sure if they think it's a bad decision on our part but I highly doubt it has anything to do with sexual orientation. My parents have said before they would still love their child no matter who they fell in love with. They seem to have really taken a liking to Kryss so I don't think it's any bad feelings towards him. I guess it may take awhile to actually get used to and it's something I'll have to wait out. 

I need to take this time to be happy and take this moment in, because it's a wonderful thing that's just happened. We don't plan on getting married in the next few months or anything, we're just taking the next step and figuring out our next move. We love each other more than anything and we are dedicated to spending the rest of our lives together and that's all that matters right now. 

I had a lot planned for 2014 but this wasn't one of them. It was a wonderfully exciting surprise that was planned for me. I am so happy to take his hand and come together.

Day 1 of 365.

In other news, I am also starting a new project that I've been planning for a few weeks now. Project 365 is my newest venture into photography. I plan to take one photo a day for the whole year. It's got me feeling really anxious and excited. I am not sure if I can actually complete this but I'm going to see how far it takes me. I refuse to let it stress me out or get me down, I'm going to just have fun with it and see how far along I can go and how much I can improve in the year. 

You can follow the journey on Flickr right here. 

So, I'm welcoming 2014 with open arms and excited to see what this year has to bring me and how much I can grow in the next 365 days. 

A Review Of 2013.

I know everyone is saying it, but where did 2013 go? It feels like just yesterday I was sitting at a country bar in El Paso counting down until the ball dropped. I'll never forget that night and it's not because it was special. I sat at a table while everyone was grabbing their loved ones, getting ready for that kiss for the new year. People were laughing with their significant others and holding them tight, ready to bring in the year together. I looked over at my sister and her husband and grew tired and envious. I had no one that year to bring in the new year with. Sure, I had my sister and brother-in-law.. but as over-rated as this is, I wish I had someone to kiss and hold when everyone screamed in excitement. So, when it struck midnight and everyone kissed and cheered, I sat at that that table feeling alone.
Because the truth was, I never had a New Year's kiss. The previous year I sat outside of a club crying. My ex and I got into an argument because he was wasted and I sat in the cold instead of being with everyone else.
Would I change any of that, though? Not a damn thing.
Because this year is special. This New Year's will be nothing like it was before.
I'll be in New York City bringing in the new year with my best friend and partner. I'll have that kiss that I've dreamed of for so long. I'll be in my favorite place in the world, surrounded by so much energy.
So with the end of the year, I can't help but think back to this year as a whole. All of my accomplishments, changes and hopes for 2014. When I started 2013, I did not think my life would have changed as much as it has. I never thought I'd come back home, especially with such a different look on everything.

I'm talking to my parents again. 
We didn't talk for a whole year over a small misunderstanding. Today, we're closer than ever and I am so happy that I'm back with them when they need me the most. My father and I have the best relationship we've ever had. All it took was a simple phone call.
I met Kryss, my partner and best friend. 
Thanks to a job we both worked at, I met Kryss. I met someone who I can connect with and talk to about anything. This is going to sound lame, but he's my hero and I'm always pushing myself to be as good a person as he is. I've never felt so happy with myself and thought as much about the future as I do with him.
I kept two jobs. For a month. 
For a month of 2013, I had two jobs. I didn't like one but I despised the other. The boss drank at work and also did drugs. He was crazy and erratic and because I called in one day, he decided to come to my other job and make a huge scene. This all caused the demise of the relationship I had with my sister and moving in with Kryss.  I wouldn't change a thing and I couldn't be happier with the ways things turned out. Thinking back, that boss did me a favor.
I took so many pictures, holy shit!
I'll occasionally turn my computer on and look through photographs. I can't believe how many times I've used my camera in the past year. Kryss and I have been on so many adventures and he's the sole reason why I even picked my camera up as much as I have. He's went on these adventures with me, just as excited as I was and we bonded over it. We both enjoy adventures and crawling into abandoned farms.
I moved from El Paso, Texas to Syracuse, New York.
I never thought this would happen. I'm back home and I'm back at my old job. I love both and I am so happy to be back. I didn't think I'd ever return or look forward to being back home. I left this place in such a bad state and it's amazing to look back and see how different things are. Part of me wishes I could of talked to that old me right before I went to Texas, I'd let him know everything will be okay and I'd be back in a much better position.
I've been to New York City twice. 
... and tomorrow will make it a third! ;)
I can't begin to tell you how excited I am to be only four hours away from my favorite place on Earth. Kryss and I both dream of living there one day and just being able to visit is enough for now. I've been to the city more in the past four months than I have my entire life. It's unbelievable to think about.
We're beginning to look for an apartment. 
I've discussed it previously, but we're looking for an apartment. It's not going so well, but in 2014 we're going to keep our heads held high and continue on with the search. We're bound to find the perfect place, it'll just take a bit of time. In the end, I know all of this stress will be worth it.
I became a better version of myself. 
I was never a confident kid. I compared myself to everyone else and it constantly got me feeling down. This year I became a much more positive and happy person. I love myself and am so much more comfortable in my skin. I am so proud of myself for how far I've come alone in the past few months.

2013 was a very good year for me. I went through a lot of changes and ups and downs. I wouldn't change anything about this year and I can only hope that 2014 is an even better year. I've never been the type of person to sit back and reflect on things like the end of the year but I did this year because I felt like a lot happened. I met so many people and changed scenery so many times. I was given these amazing experiences that I'll never forget.
I hope you all have an exciting and safe New Years and I can't wait to come back refreshed for the new year.

We Went Looking For An Apartment.

The first apartment we looked at. We thought it was perfect. 

On Thursday, Kryss and I decided we'd look at an apartment we've been interested in since we moved here. It was perfect, it was in a quiet little area surrounded by the woods. The best part was it was right behind a Wegmans, which we go to all the time. Every time we to the store, we'd get to talking about this apartment and how perfect it would be for us. It was right by both of our jobs and we'd literally have to walk down the road to get our groceries. The more we talked about it, the more excited I was to move in to this apartment. 

After we talked for a bit, we decided if we wanted we could get an apartment right now, or at least apply for early next year because it would give us some time to get things in order before jumping right in. I left work Thursday excited and nervous for this new venture in our lives, sadly it turned into a bad experience. You know how you do something new and exciting, hoping for the best and in the end you just feel like it's not something you want to do again? That's us right now.
We walk into the offices and try to talk to them about our interest in the apartments. The woman never gave us her name or invited us in. She told us to walk across the hall and look at the two bedroom/ two bath model apartment. Though it was dated, we fell in love with the little place. We thought it would of been perfect for us. For a moment, we thought about a one bedroom and one bath, but with the stuff my parents are going through, two was just a smarter decision. It wasn't even much more expensive, either. It would of been better to get the larger place because if we had friends over or if his family ever decided to visit, it would come in handy.
So, we loved the place. We thought about looking at other apartments, but we were too happy with this one. She told us they were strict on credit checks and that scared us. I don't have credit because no where will give me a chance in hell to build credit and his isn't so great because of school loans. Of course.
We figured we'd give it a shot anyway. What would be the worst? We're turned down? Oh well...
The next day we went there and told her we wanted to apply. This woman.. man. She couldn't of been worse. First, she acted completely surprised and shocked and at a loss for words.. and I'm not sure why. Then she told us we had to check out an apartment and then apply and even asked us about our work. How much we make, how long we've worked, etc. After calculating it said "That's not enough guys, it's not even close."
Which... it was. We figured that stuff out before and we were more than qualified money-wise. I'm not sure why she would even say that. She repeated it over and over again during this whole process. She acted like we were being of some huge inconvenience to her. We went ahead anyway and drove over to an available apartment. Which was the same exact thing as the model we looked at, so again.. not sure why we wasted the time. I get checking out a place to make sure there's no damage and everything, but why not make sure we even qualify before having us pick out a place?
We went back to her office and filled out the forms even after again she said we wouldn't be accepted.
We handed the $100 fee and left.
We still went ahead even though I wanted to get the hell out of there multiple times. I couldn't stand the way we were being talked to. She treated us like we were some ignorant kids just trying to screw them over. She was negative the whole time and kept down-talking the both of us. The sad thing is I know she judged us before we even talked to her. I wouldn't be surprised if she didn't even check the credit and just denied us the moment we walked out of the door.
Kryss got a call an hour later saying we were denied. When he went to get the money back, she said "It was horrible credit. Just terrible." - which again, it wasn't that bad. When he asked about it and why it was so bad to get some idea, she wouldn't tell him, just "fill out a form online and you'll get the information back in a few weeks telling you why."
I get privacy and everything, but she wouldn't even tell him why it was bad. Loans, debt, etc could of been a simple answer. Again, I just feel like she didn't even check it.
As sad as we both were, we're doing better today. We talked about it and decided that we wouldn't want to live in a place like that even if we made $100,000 a year and had perfect credit. If this woman was that horrible and unprofessional at her job, imagine the other people that worked there. God forbid if the toilet broke or something, maintenance man was probably a huge jackass.
It made us want to give us already because of the experience, but we're going to continue with our search. We'll look elsewhere and find an even cuter apartment to call our own. I just hope the experience with that She-Devil doesn't happen again.

Taking A Step Back For A Moment.

Sometimes, I have to take a step back and think for a moment.
Since I've been with Kryss, I've dreamt of having our own little apartment, spending our days off together decorating it and creating these small, fleeting moments of happiness to remember later on. Thinking of this makes me so happy and anxious for the future. Since moving to New York, we've been working harder than we ever have to make all of this come true. We're saving like crazy and trying to make the apartment a reality. We're making great progress but we're still not ready yet.
This past week has been hard for me. I've been thinking of the future too much and getting upset. Upset that it's not here yet and upset that I feel like we're still at the beginning. We've come so far, though. We may not have reached our goal yet, but we're making it slowly but surely. I've been letting this get me down and putting me in a negative funk and it's not healthy. It's not healthy to dwell on this negative feeling because it's being projected onto others. I can honestly say it's made me more quiet and reserved with Kryss. It's not his fault but I've been giving off this terrible vibe.
He's working so hard and I couldn't be more proud of him. He's showing just how much he wants this apartment to come as soon as possible. He's been working longer than scheduled and putting in so much effort and I hope he knows how much I appreciate it.
So, instead of letting myself get down because we're not moving just yet, I'm going to appreciate the now. I want to create all of these moments together, laughing together as we're having our morning coffee or helping each other make breakfast. I'm telling myself I can't do that just yet because we don't have our place. We can make those memories now, though. We can cook breakfast together and laugh at how ridiculous my pancakes look while his look perfect. We can sit at the dining room table and share a cup of coffee together, talking about the dreams we had the previous night or how I hogged all of the covers again. We don't need an apartment for that. Sure, they'll be more special because it was done in our home, but that will happen in due time.
I'm not going to let my wants for the future get me down because they will happen. It'll take time and effort but if I really want it, then it'll happen. I just need to appreciate what's going on now, because they're going to be memories one day. We can enjoy our time together now spending it with my parents, because we both love them to death and some day, I'm going to look back and wish I had just one more day to live in this home with them.

Goodbye For Now.

It's that time. I've been having this internal struggle/debate with myself on whether or not to continue blogging. I love blogging, it's become a big part of my life.. but the content and quality isn't there most of the time. A majority of the "blogging" I do is struggling to find a topic and half-assing my way through the post. Sometimes I feel like just giving it up completely and living a simpler life, but I love it too much. I enjoy reading the stories of others around the world and relating on special topics. I love creating that connection with someone and becoming a valued friend thousands of miles away.
Sometimes, I feel like there's not a place for me in the blogging world.
But then, I don't care.. because I want this space to be for me, by me. I want to look back through posts and remember all of this.
So, it's time for a break. I'm going to leave this little space until January 1st, 2014. I'm going to recuperate and hopefully return refreshed and ready to crank out some quality content and share more with those who read here.
Stay safe and have a great holiday. I'll see you all next year.

New York City.

Looking back at these photographs just makes me want to go back already. It's funny, I always tell myself "I'm going to take SO many pictures!" but I never do. I had less than 100 when I got home and only edited 30 or so. I have them all saved on my computer, but I am pleased with them. I get the feeling I want to take tons of pictures, but I end up opting not to because I'd rather enjoy the day than worry about what pictures to take. That's fine by me. Tuesday couldn't of been better in my opinion.
We were up at 4 A.M and out the door by 5 A.M. We headed to Dunkin' Donuts to get coffee and hit the road. We were in Newark, New Jersey by 10:30 and in the city by 11 A.M. We couldn't help but smile the entire time. We were so intrigued by the people and how casual they all seemed. We were here freaking out because we were in New. York. City. and these people are going about their day like it's nothing. I couldn't believe how many people smoked, too.
We stopped at Ikea in Brooklyn. Okay, here's the thing. I've never been to an Ikea. I didn't get why it was so amazing and why everyone was so obsessed with it. Until I set foot in. I couldn't believe it. Showroom upon showroom and it was affordable. I found myself wanting to buy one of everything in that place. AND CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW ONE COULD EASILY GET LOST IN SUCH A PLACE? I was terrified to leave Kryss' side. I told him when we get an apartment we're going to regularly come to the city just to get some furniture.

As we were waiting for a train, I freaked out because I saw the Statue of Liberty in the distance. I've never seen it. Never been near it. (I'm the worst human being ever. I mean, who hasn't seen the Statue of Liberty?! I live in New York for crying out loud.)
Anyone remember that class act, Eliot Spitzer? I read about him in High School when he was in the news almost everyday for that prostitution scandal. Kryss and I were walking around and right as I said "Dude, I want to see someone famous!" he walked by. Clearly I haven't been around famous people much because I freaked out over this guy. He's really not even famous, but I was happy to see someone known in the media.
It was just a really good day. I keep saying that but I mean it. The first time we went to the city, we didn't know anything. We got lost on the train and didn't have a clue what to do. We even drove IN the city, which we'll never do again. It was so much easier to just pay for a spot in New Jersey and take the Metro into the city. We saved so much money and time by doing this and it's going to be a routine for us when we go back. Our next trip should be New Years and hopefully to meet Holly and her boyfriend in January. The trip wasn't nearly as expensive as we thought it would be.

Man, I'm already feeling the need to go back already. Can it be New Years already?

The Perfect Day.

Today I'm sitting at home editing all of the pictures from our visit to New York City yesterday. We spent the day in the city, hopping from train to train visiting different areas of the city and businesses that we had on our list. I couldn't of asked for a better day and I was able to spend it with my best friend.
It was hard leaving. Neither of us wanted to take the ride back to Newark, NJ. Both of us are dreaming of living in or around the city. It's perfect for us (but who doesn't say that?)
I'm happy and I am feeling so grateful today. I can't wait to share more photographs and stories later on.

The best decisions are always last minute.

On Saturday night, Kryss and I were laying in bed watching Lady Gaga host and sing on Saturday Night Live. I don't care for SNL anymore but I wanted to see how well she did, which she of course kicked ass. Anyway, the following conversation took place.

Me: "Man, I want to go back to the city so bad!"
Kryss: "Well, we both have Tuesday off..."
Me: "What? Yeah, like we could do that. We can't spend all of that money."
Kryss: "It's not expensive, it'll be like $50 there and back for gas so it's definitely possible."
Me: "Yeah, but.. well.. you're not serious? Are you serious? I mean.. that'd be amazing but I don't think you're serious!"
Kryss: "I am. Let's do it, baby."
Me: "OKAY."

So as you're reading this, Kryss and I are making our way to the city. We got up at 4 A.M and we're stopping in Newark, NJ (Yeah, New Jersey. I'd rather not spend any time or keep something valuable in NJ but we're sort of stuck doing it.) and taking a train into the city for a day trip. We have been really frugal and good about money and it's not going to be as expensive as I made it out to be.
I am beyond excited to be in the big city once again wandering around with Kryss in hand. With everything going on, it's something that was really needed and well-deserved. Him and I have been working like crazy to save up money for the apartment and to help my parents out.
I love that him and I are so last minute and can make plans happen in the matter of a few days. It's all we've been talking about and it's nice that we are both equally excited about it.
I'll be updating Instagram like crazy, so feel free to follow.

Soon You Begin To Realize Your Own Mortality.

This whole mortality concept has been on my mind a lot lately, especially given the last few days. As I've posted before, my father has prostate cancer. The docter's told him they feel good about it, but then it changed to, "If radiation doesn't take, you'll have 3-5 years.." which hit like a ton of fucking bricks. I can't imagine taking the news that I've got a set time to live the rest of my life before I died. I couldn't imagine sitting in that office being told I would soon die. He's in his early 50's, I mean.. that's still considered young. At least to me.
He's been upset a lot. He is a proud man and he doesn't let emotions show or when times hit hard, he puts on his strong face and faces it head on but when you get news like this, it's not going to be so easy. He's worried about my mother and he wants to make sure she's taken care of. When it comes down to it, that's his biggest fear, that my mother won't be taken care of after he passes.
Last night, he sat me and my mother down and had a serious talk with us about what's going on. He says things are getting bad again, to where he can't walk. He's saying he's probably going to have to be taken out of work again because it's getting to that point all over again. He doesn't think the radiation is doing anything and he doesn't believe he's got even three years left.
I still don't understand this. How does this happen to a man who has worked his ass off his entire time? Sure, him and I may not have had the best relationship, but when it comes down to it, he has done everything and anything for his family. Whenever someone is in a tight situation he is there to help. He doesn't ask for a thank you and he does it without expecting something in return.
He doesn't deserve this and he still has so much left in him. But it's being taken away.
I told him I already had my mother in mind when dealing with this situation. Of course I wouldn't want anything to happen to him, but in the search of an apartment, Kryss and I are keeping in mind a worse case scenario. If anything were to happen, my mother would live with us. She'd be taken care of. She wouldn't have to worry about affording a mortgage all on her own.
Death really fucks with my mind. I've dealt with a lot of death in my life and it all started at a very young age. I lost my brother when I was eight years old and it just seems like periodically I would lose another person close to me. From a young age I was faced with the idea of mortality and the fact that it's inevitable. When it's your time, it's your time. There's nothing you can do about it.
Death makes me want to sit down with the victim and become this open book of emotions and encouragement. Sure, I don't know what's on the other side, but I'd want them to know not to be afraid. I'd tell them to think about all of those people they have lost and the fact that they'll be reunited. It makes me want to give thanks to that person for everything they've done and to put any harsh feelings or bullshit arguments we had in the past and to forget about them. I want to hug the person and tell them I love them and I couldn't be the person I am today without them.
But I suppose when it comes down to it, death shouldn't make me want to share emotions or appreciation to others. That's the way I was raised, though. My family never showed emotion or times of hardcomings.
I was talking to Kryss last night, who has never dealt with death. I said "It's the hardest thing you'll have to endure. The sad thing is, I've dealt with so much death in my life that it's not as hard as it used to be. You learn to deal with the pain and you know what to expect when dealing with grief." It's sad, but I know what's going to happen. It's this never-ending or changing cycle that you go through when dealing with death and it's become so repetitive to me, I know all of those feelings and stages I'll go through.
We still have hope, I still have hope. Maybe it's all in his head, or maybe after more radiation things will start to look up. I guess that's all we really can do.

I am a little apprehensive to post about this kind of stuff on my blog, but I want to remember everything in years to come. The good, the bad and the ugly are things I want to be able to sit back and read and grow from. 

Documenting Our Life Together.

Kryss and I have been together for almost six months now. In that time, we've accumulated a ton of notes, photographs and keepsakes together and I need somewhere to put them all. I really enjoy the idea of Project Life, but I don't know if I could keep up with it. I don't want to have a weekly deadline, I'd rather keep track of adventures and trips we take because most are completely out of the blue and our day doesn't usually start with trips climbing into abandoned buildings.
Since we've been taking trips together, we usually try to take little souvenirs from these adventures, whether it's a railroad spike from a railroad no longer in use or a piece of brick from a vacant home. I wouldn't take anything illegal or anything that would ruin the integrity of a place, just little things to keep so I can remember those times we've had together.
We have little notes we have left each other in the mornings or when one of us gets home from work. Whether it's just a silly "I love you" note or a detailed letter that includes adorable pictures and sayings, I want to keep them all. I want to be able to sit down decades from now scanning through these pages and falling in love with him all over again. In such a short time together, we've had so many adventures and I really like looking back at every single one.
I'm so envious of everyone that can properly document their lives and keep them in order with these scrapbooks. They're beautiful to look back to and just seeing others fills me with joy and a love for the memories.
I've realized lately that I am completely changing my attitude on a lot in life. I'm tired of technology and everyone being so enamored with social media. Yes.. I tweet, Instagram and blog.. but I am also trying to take a few steps back and soak up the good moments in life and the good times I experience. Whether it's a really good cup of coffee in the morning or laying in bed with Kryss at night watching a show on TV. They're so mundane but when you look back at things, they're some of my favorite memories. I'm not a huge party-goer, I'd rather a nice night in with someone I really care about. I'm not a fan of drinking or doing much of anything my peers are doing these days. When I look back, I don't want to have the thought "Man, I wish I didn't party so hard" or "Wow, I did a lot of stupid shit when I was younger." I'd rather have the nostalgic feeling that makes me wish I could experience those small, fleeting moments all over again.
So over the next few weeks, I'm going to try to get these adventures documented properly and placed in order. I'm going to keep little notes and footnotes on the sides and document the emotions and details.
I can't wait to have some of my most favorite times together in this one small book that will contain so many memories and feelings.

The Barn.

The one thing I absolutely love about Kryss is the fact that whenever he's driving, he constantly keeps an eye out for a building or house that I would love to venture out to. He's constantly looking around to see if there's an abandoned building I can crawl into, or some on the side of the road attraction I'd love to photograph. We haven't really been around Syracuse much, mainly because I didn't think there was a lot to photograph around here abandoned wise. I was wrong. He found a few places.
Yesterday we both had the day off so he wanted to bring me to a barn he found on the side of the road one day. It was right next to a condemned house which was even cooler.
So, we took the drive out there around 4:00 P.M which couldn't of worked out better. I didn't want to go there too early when it was bright and sunny out, I wanted to shoot in an overcast day when the sun was slowly starting to go down, it would of made for better pictures. I messed around with the settings on my camera a bit, too.. something I never do. It helped me learn a lot already and it made the pictures come out cooler in my opinion.
I also edited these in Photoshop CS2 and used an action I created. It was the first time I've ever created one and I really didn't know what I was doing, but I think some of the pictures came out pretty awesome. I have a lot to learn about Actions so hopefully there's an improvement in pictures over the next few months when I experiment a bit more with it.


I am a huge fan of grain on photographs. I think it adds so much character to a picture and I couldn't be happier with the grain on these pictures. I think it adds a film look to it.
There are a few more places Kryss has found that he wants to bring me to. I love that we both enjoy exploring abandoned places and crawling into these spaces and taking pictures while talking about the possible history of the place we're at.

You can view more pictures from the barn on my Flickr.