Hello, 4 A.M.

Here I am, sitting in the courtyard at 4:30 in the morning not sure what the hell I'm even doing up. These past few weeks have been a struggle; depressed, crying and chain-smoking. I haven't really hit the nail on the head when it comes to why I've been feeling like this but I'm sure it's deep inside of me somewhere. And it's growing. It's this sick, cancerous lump that's generating inside of me waiting to burst. And I don't want it to. I don't want it to get to a point of no return.
I don't sleep and I barely eat. I find myself skipping meals. I fill my hunger with coffee and endless dream of a better life. I find myself angry with myself because my life could be so much worse. I could be sick. I could be dying. I could be fucking homeless. I'm not.
I think that's part of the problem. I feel sick. Not flu-like sickness but mentally sick. Bogged down with this grey cloud that's not going anywhere anytime soon.
I'm tired all the time. No matter how much sleep I get, it's never enough. I find myself up until 6 in the morning until I can't take it anymore. Until my eyelids won't stay open any longer and my brain just wants to shut off for a few hours. That's the only way I can get sleep. Otherwise, I'm laying in bed and my mind won't shut up.
I thought 2014 was going to be my year. I thought for the first time in my life, things were coming together. Life was finally piecing itself together and I would finally be happy. It started with an engagement. God, that was the best memory I replay in my head. Standing on the streets of New York City as the ball drops next to the love of my life. Next thing you know, he's on one knee proposing; something I have dreamed of since I can remember.
"This is it" I thought, my life was finally coming together. Sure, I didn't have a full-time job and I wasn't in the best situation financially. Before I knew it, we were signing papers to move in together. I lay awake at night dreaming of the times we'd spend together in our little place. Decorating it and making it our own. Something major we could share together and work on. I thought things were going to go perfectly. They did, for about two months.
Where am I today?
Back in El Paso, Texas..
We left the apartment. And we owe them $400.
Things fell apart as quickly as they had come together. We stopped getting along and eventually, he left on his way back home. 2,200 miles away. Without me.
It was the most heartbreaking, crushing moment I have ever been in. I thought I wouldn't go through a break-up again when I found him. I knew he was the kind of guy I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
And he had left.
So, I moved back in with my parents. They thought I was going to kill myself with how sick and sad and empty I had felt. It was hard. Moving back home, carrying boxes back into the home I had took them out of two months prior. Dragging in that entertainment center Kryss and I had bought a few weeks earlier, so happy we finally were able to get some furniture for the apartment.
I laid awake those two weeks trying to keep my mind at ease.. telling myself things would fall into place and I would end up where I was supposed to be. I texted him every day and even tried hearing his voice again. Just to remember what he sounded like because I never want to forget that voice. My best friends voice, the person who had planned to marry me.
It sucks.. thinking that the one person who would of done anything for you suddenly just wanted you out of their life. They wanted to wake up every morning without you next to them. They were okay with going to sleep every night without that final kiss goodnight and those sweet words of "Sleep well.."
Life really has a way of kicking you straight in the stomach.
For weeks I had tried convincing him to let me come back. I'd do anything it took just to have him back in my life. To be able to hug him again, to smell his cologne and to sit next to him in the car while we listened to his horrible music.
I fucking missed my best friend.
Finally, he agreed to let me come back. He was finally ready to try it again. To be one again.
So here I am, sitting here while he's sound asleep. Unable to sleep for reasons I'm not sure of.. but reasons I know in my heart.
Here's the honest truth..
I'm awake because it's hard sleeping next to him sometimes. It's hard knowing that at one point, he didn't want me anymore. Yeah, it was only a few weeks but during that time, I felt hopeless. I let another person consume my whole being. Most of those morning were spent talking myself into getting up that morning, telling myself I would be okay and that he was probably thinking of me.
I'm awake because I'm afraid I'm not going to be what he wants. We both agreed to change. I'm not so sure I can do that. Not that I don't want to.. but we fall into old habits easy. It's always easier said than done. Always. He's done so much for me already but I don't always appreciate it the way I should and things aren't going the way I want. One of our arguments led him to saying "You expect me to be the same, thinking you're my sun and stars and moon and drop anything for you but I won't do that anymore."
Maybe that's why I'm so unsure about everything. Because at one point, he was willing to stop anything I didn't like and to change for me.. not that I outright told him to, but he did them for me. These days, he's not so willing. It's not that I want him to do those things again, it's just that at least if I knew he'd do them for me, I'd know he was at least getting back into his old self again.
I'm awake because I feel like I dropped everything I was doing to come back to him. To be with him again I left my family and job. I didn't give a shit about any of those things because he wasn't in my life to enjoy it all with. And that's all I wanted. I have these plans and goals I want to accomplish but I'm afraid they're not going to happen because of how quickly I was able to drop what I was doing before this whole shit storm happened.
A lot of things happened during our breaking point that still gets to me to this day. A lot of fights broke out and a lot of things were said that I'm not sure are going to ever stay in my past. Yeah, I did a lot of things to get a rise out of him, just like he did for me.. but I'm finding myself always regretting saying those things. And doing those things. And hurting him to his core because I was finding any way to release frustration I had with him deciding to leave.
I find myself wondering if it would be better if I left. Got my things together and took the next bus home. Would I finally be able to be happy again? I honestly don't think so. We'd done too much together and had those special moments that I'm going to miss. And I know sometimes they're only memories and they're supposed to be looked back on and appreciated for what they were in that time. And that's it.
You move on. You repair yourself and eventually you get back on the horse again. But I don't want that.
In my mind, I picture my life with him forever and always. Getting married and pouring my heart out in front of everyone on our day when we finally become one and take the next step. I imagine us fulfilling our dreams together and being there for one another in the good and bad. I imagine us sitting outside of our home one day, wrinkled and still holding hands remembering that stupid falling out we had and the struggle it was to get back to being together again. Laughing at how long ago it happened and how it was idiotic to go through.
I love him. More than anything and I hope he feels the same. I hope I'm his last thought before he falls asleep and I hope he smiles when he wakes up in the morning and sees me resting next to him. I hope he's happy that I'm back in his life again and I hope he doesn't want to go through another experience like we had a few months ago.
I know these late night thoughts and my inability to sleep isn't completely due to this whole ordeal we're going through.. but it's a lot of what occupies my time and mind. I know there are other reasons for my depression and reasons I find myself dreaming of another life. I just hope they're not manifesting itself into something much larger and permanent.

One Week.

In one week, Kryss and I are moving into our apartment. I know I posted about it a lot but things haven't seemed to have really hit us until recently. We've been spending our spare time shopping for our home and getting things in order and figuring out how we're going to get it all done before the first. It's been so stressful but also so exciting. We still have so much to do and I hope things fall into place and come together like we hope they will.
Kryss finished the couch he's been working on for a few days and it looks so much better than I thought it would. I knew he could do it but it came out so perfectly and I can't wait to have it in our apartment. We spent last night looking for pillows and it just looks so good. We went to dozens of stores and searched through hundreds of pillows and fabrics (we almost made our own) but decided we'd spent time on projects that were more important and higher on our list. I'm so glad we decided on him building it, it not only saves us money but it's given Kryss so much confidence and it's made him so proud of his work. He put his all into this project and he's so proud of his creation. He lights up when he talks about it and he tells everyone about it. He even showed the woman at J.C Penny a picture of it and went onto a tangent about it. It's so nice to see him so passionate and confident about something.
Every night before bed we talk about everything. I honestly think this apartment has brought us closer together and it's something we're both ready for and can't wait to move forward in our lives. We've spent most of our relationship living together - with his parents and then mine. But we're finally going to be 100% on our own. We wake up every morning with the number of days until we move and we both get this insane smile on our faces and hug.
We'll get to make breakfast and dinner together every morning and night. We'll get to decorate this place however the both of us see fit. I can finally put my camera collection up and it won't be cluttered on my desk! We can share a cup of coffee in the dining room and talk about our plans for the day.
It's crazy to think about how far the both of us have come in the past six months. I remember before we even moved to New York we sat on his porch at two in the morning talking about our plans. I remember him going on about moving to New York and meeting my parents. I was hesitant because I didn't think it would all pan out. He promised he would do whatever he could to get us here and he did it. And I am so thankful to him and I hope he knows that. He wanted to see another part of the world and he knew how much I missed my parents. We talked about getting a place of our own and I knew it wouldn't happen anytime soon. I didn't think it would even happen within the next year but look at us now. We found a place within six months of moving to New York. We've done everything we said we wanted to do and I couldn't be more grateful than I am right now.
Our relationship has been a series of last-minute decisions and unexpected surprises. We never planned to move out so soon and we didn't plan on getting an apartment so soon. Things seem to have just fallen in place for us and it's nice that things have been going to well for as long as they have.
This new adventure in our lives has given us the chance to become creative again - building furniture, decorating a space of our own and we'll be able to showcase my photography and his drawings.
Thinking back to a year ago, I would have never thought I'd be with someone who treats me so well. Hell, I'm even engaged to this man. I never thought I'd be back home in New York or even moving in with someone. I've dreamt of this kind of life for so long and it's all finally coming together. For so long I've wanted to be an adult, have my own bills (crazy, I know.) and a place of my own with someone I really care about. I've wanted to be considered independent and an adult for so long and it's been a crazy challenge. A lot of ups and downs with numerous disappointments and hardships. It's been such a huge adventure for me - and Kryss and we're both glad we've had each other to go through it with.

On Friendships.

So, 2014 is in full swing. It's been so good to me already. I was proposed to as soon as the new year came and Kryss and I were accepted for an apartment and we move in on February 1st. This year would be starting off perfect if it wasn't for the news about my father that's been lingering for the past few months. I can't let that get me down, though. We're staying positive and we're taking it one step at a time. There's no point in letting it get me down or letting it ruin the good things that are happening. Not to sound selfish, but we can only do so much with a diagnoses like that.
I've never been the type of person to give in to others or to feel like I needed to make the first move after an argument. If I feel like I was in the wrong, I have no problem putting my pride aside and starting a conversation with that person; getting everything out in the open and mending any broken relationships. If I feel like I was wronged, I have no problem letting that person go and forgetting about them. Maybe it makes me sound like an asshole but I was taught to be strong and don't let others bring you down. If that person isn't good for you and isn't a friend to you, get rid of them. There's no point in having a one-sided relationship with someone or beating that dead horse any longer than you need to. I've had a lot of friends that I no longer speak to, whether it was just from graduating and losing touch or getting into a heated argument, it's happened. It's bound to happen to everyone in their lives and it's your choice on whether or not you want to salvage it.
I've learned a lot these past few years, I was forced to be on my own. No friends and barely any family and it's changed me into a completely different person. I've learned to rely on myself and myself only, because even the best of friends can be a bit of a letdown. Living in Texas for that year really shaped me into a more independent person, I've learned that I can be on my own and I'll be okay. I don't need other people. I've always needed a close friend or someone that I could talk to when I hit a roadblock in my life. I always had that one friend I could turn to when I was upset about a situation or sad because of my loneliness.
This year, I'm trying to improve myself even further. I've grown internally and it's been the best thing that's happened to me and I'm so glad everything happened. I recently reactivated my Facebook, thinking it wouldn't be a big deal. It'd be another network to log onto and kill some time with. It actually brought a whole slew of others things that caused me to lay awake at night and think about.
Friends I had lost connection with in particular.
If you know me, you'll see that I can be a very stubborn person. If I'm offended or hear you say something that really doesn't stick right with me, you'll know it.
I lost a relationship with a good friend when I went to Texas over some news that I wasn't happy to hear. The trust I had with that person had been broken and I felt personally wronged. It led me to completely cutting this person out of my life and forgetting about them. I figured I didn't need another person that I wasn't able to trust.
I decided something a few nights ago. Instead of just cutting this person out of my life, why not see where it could go? It wouldn't hurt to try and worst case scenario, we form some kind of understanding and we occasionally catch up. No big deal. So, I added her on Facebook. We ended up talking for awhile and even got on the phone to talk. It was a little awkward at first, but in the end I was glad I did it. We may not be as close as we once were, but it's a thing that may take time. Maybe we'll form a close bond again or maybe we'll just talk once in awhile when something great or terrible happens to one of us.
I went a step further and mended another friendship that was broken. Same thing, we were never really close, but it's still nice to have people in your life to talk to once in awhile. To be able to talk about your day, good or bad and get some positive feedback.
Though I never expected to fix these relationships, there are some that I just can't get myself to begin to try with. There are certain people in my life that have wronged me in the worst way possible and it's a definite no for me. There are people that come into your life, teach you a lesson or two and leave. And that's it. No more words spoken between the two of you. You continue on with life and always remember the lessons learned. Maybe once in awhile you'll walk past a building or coffee shop and remember a laugh shared between the both of you and then you carry on with your day. A simple moment to remember a good time in your life with someone who once was and never will be again.
I'm twenty-three years old and I'm not even close to being a full adult. I'm still learning to let go of the wrongs that have happened to me by those I once considered close to me. I feel a bit childish to hold a grudge against someone who once hurt me because it's almost like a playschool buddy breaking your favorite toy. You cry and say mean things and you move on to the next. Some of these wrongs just aren't as minuscule as a toy, though. Some things that have happened to be have left me feeling like I wasn't as important to that person as I once thought.
I'm still learning, though. I'm slowly realizing that just because you feel wronged, doesn't mean you can't make the first move. Approach the situation like an intelligent adult and go from there. Grudges aren't fun and they can tear people up inside. Repair as many broken relationships as you see fit but forget the ones who have no place for your future. Sometimes you've got to have these burned relationships to remember to never let them happen to you again. You'll choose these friends more wisely in the future and you'll learn that you can't always trust those who you once thought you could.

Soon You Begin To Realize Your Own Mortality.

This whole mortality concept has been on my mind a lot lately, especially given the last few days. As I've posted before, my father has prostate cancer. The docter's told him they feel good about it, but then it changed to, "If radiation doesn't take, you'll have 3-5 years.." which hit like a ton of fucking bricks. I can't imagine taking the news that I've got a set time to live the rest of my life before I died. I couldn't imagine sitting in that office being told I would soon die. He's in his early 50's, I mean.. that's still considered young. At least to me.
He's been upset a lot. He is a proud man and he doesn't let emotions show or when times hit hard, he puts on his strong face and faces it head on but when you get news like this, it's not going to be so easy. He's worried about my mother and he wants to make sure she's taken care of. When it comes down to it, that's his biggest fear, that my mother won't be taken care of after he passes.
Last night, he sat me and my mother down and had a serious talk with us about what's going on. He says things are getting bad again, to where he can't walk. He's saying he's probably going to have to be taken out of work again because it's getting to that point all over again. He doesn't think the radiation is doing anything and he doesn't believe he's got even three years left.
I still don't understand this. How does this happen to a man who has worked his ass off his entire time? Sure, him and I may not have had the best relationship, but when it comes down to it, he has done everything and anything for his family. Whenever someone is in a tight situation he is there to help. He doesn't ask for a thank you and he does it without expecting something in return.
He doesn't deserve this and he still has so much left in him. But it's being taken away.
I told him I already had my mother in mind when dealing with this situation. Of course I wouldn't want anything to happen to him, but in the search of an apartment, Kryss and I are keeping in mind a worse case scenario. If anything were to happen, my mother would live with us. She'd be taken care of. She wouldn't have to worry about affording a mortgage all on her own.
Death really fucks with my mind. I've dealt with a lot of death in my life and it all started at a very young age. I lost my brother when I was eight years old and it just seems like periodically I would lose another person close to me. From a young age I was faced with the idea of mortality and the fact that it's inevitable. When it's your time, it's your time. There's nothing you can do about it.
Death makes me want to sit down with the victim and become this open book of emotions and encouragement. Sure, I don't know what's on the other side, but I'd want them to know not to be afraid. I'd tell them to think about all of those people they have lost and the fact that they'll be reunited. It makes me want to give thanks to that person for everything they've done and to put any harsh feelings or bullshit arguments we had in the past and to forget about them. I want to hug the person and tell them I love them and I couldn't be the person I am today without them.
But I suppose when it comes down to it, death shouldn't make me want to share emotions or appreciation to others. That's the way I was raised, though. My family never showed emotion or times of hardcomings.
I was talking to Kryss last night, who has never dealt with death. I said "It's the hardest thing you'll have to endure. The sad thing is, I've dealt with so much death in my life that it's not as hard as it used to be. You learn to deal with the pain and you know what to expect when dealing with grief." It's sad, but I know what's going to happen. It's this never-ending or changing cycle that you go through when dealing with death and it's become so repetitive to me, I know all of those feelings and stages I'll go through.
We still have hope, I still have hope. Maybe it's all in his head, or maybe after more radiation things will start to look up. I guess that's all we really can do.

I am a little apprehensive to post about this kind of stuff on my blog, but I want to remember everything in years to come. The good, the bad and the ugly are things I want to be able to sit back and read and grow from. 

Quitting Blogging?

The past few days I've been trying to come up with a blog design to start fresh. I wanted something more personal and simple because I figured I would try a new route with blogging. Since I've started blogging, I've neglected posting certain things for a few reasons.

• I want to eventually write a book. I feel lame admitting that.. and writing a lot of the posts I have in mind would completely take chapters out of that book, so why ruin it? 
• The blogging world honestly sucks. No one is ever their true selves. They photograph the good parts of their life. Like their kitchen after they've cleaned it top to bottom.

Seriously, outfit posts galore. Get the fuck out of here. People do that shit for free clothing from brands and to showcase how trendy they are. You're not. I would do an outfit post everyday too if I were getting free shit, too. I'd look a hell of a lot more appealing to the public eye, too. 

DIY posts. Okay.. I really enjoy a good DIY, but so many people are just re-posting shit they find on Pinterest. They also get book deals from that shit, too. Yeah, I threw shade. I just hate when people are complimented and worshiped for shit they didn't even come up with. Their tutorials are messy, they don't give proper credit so it looks like they've done it themselves. Christ, I can't stand it. 

I'm sick of the blogging world. I'm tired of seeing these posts and rolling my eyes every other blog I come across. Bloglovin' is literally the same three blogs under these categories with 10 posts at the top. Most of the time, if it's even in English I can't stand that blog. People are competing with their blogs and I'm tired of it.

I'm sick of seeing one single fucking blogger writing a book, designing websites, making photography apps, making clothing and fighting the war. They can do it all. 

Actually, they think they can but they can't.

They're mediocre at 10 things instead of making money off of one really good project they're good at. They think "Oh, wow.. I know basic HTML.. I can design blogs and make $400 a design!"

No, take a fucking seat. 

For so long, I've been trying to run a successful blog, because we all do. Don't lie and tell yourself you blog for yourself and you don't care about readership or who notices you. You do.

I did.

I wanted to establish a connection with readers, people that thought I had this wonderful ass life, when in reality I don't. I'm boring as hell. I'll be the first to admit it. 

I'm just sick of all of these bloggers who have their own blogs.. but they look the same as every other one in the world. It's so repetitive and so boring and I've stopped looking for new blogs. 

Most bloggers now are pregnant. I don't care to hear about that. I'm happy for you, but uh.. I couldn't give a fuck how "this baby is going to bring you all the joy and rainbows and unicorns". I don't care what kind of clothes you're picking out. I don't even care what the room looks like. I'm not spending my nights in there. 

If you're not pregnant, you're buying and re-designing your homes! No, I don't give a shit that you saw a tutorial on Pinterest and wanted to "put your own spin on it!" - it's going to look the same. 

How about you just do your Pinterest mock-up and keep it to yourself. 

I've lost respect for almost all bloggers. They're not genuine anymore. They all want free clothes, thousands of followers who think the world of them and money. 

So, I don't know what I'm going to do. Not that anyone reads this.. that's fine. Just ranting here.

I might just delete this blog. I might just start an entirely new one.. new name even.

If I do, it's going to be personal. Like.. LiveJournal personal, yo. Those were my favorite posts. People who were honest and real.. didn't have to portray their boring ass lives as wonderful. 

Also, seriously, Mormon bloggers? I mean.. these "we believe" or "i believe" links that go to the Mormon.org website. 

seriously? 

Let me just add a "i believe" link to my blog.. it'll go to this website. let's just throw our religion and beliefs on others. 

Annnnd my rant is over. 

I will say, I do respect a few bloggers. Danielle of Sometimes Sweet, Kaelah of Little Chief Honeybee, Mandy of Something Monumental and Susannah Conway. These ladies are killer bloggers and they're genuine. 

Today.

Today, I'm not feeling like myself. I'm not sure why, but I have this nagging feeling patting me on the back and it's irritating. I woke up this morning feeling completely fine and after having coffee, this odd mood came over me. I hate not being able to pinpoint why I'm feeling the way I am, it's a mystery to me and it's one I'd like to uncover as soon as possible to get back to my normal self. This one has me completely baffled, though.
Maybe it's the fact that there is something seriously wrong with my father and after a year of doctors, we're still not sure what's going on. He's seen numerous doctors, done numerous tests and went to a dozen specialists. All of which with no real answers. Today, he made a 40 mile trip to get an MRI and when he returned home, the technician called him and told him to contact his doctor as soon as possible, who is on vacation until Tuesday. She told him not to wait that long.
That sinking feeling came back when I heard this and I wanted to vomit.
My father is in pain. He can't work as much as he used to because he's constantly pulling muscles. He can't even sneeze without a muscle getting torn. He can't reach cups from the cupboard and we have to help him. He can't sleep at night and he's constantly stirring in the middle of the night.
I guess I just want answers, I know he does.. and so does my mother.
This is going on too long.
I suppose I'm also feeling a bit inadequate. I have goals, dreams and things I want to accomplish. I want them done sooner than later but I'm not sure what my problem is. I have all of these dreams I'm dying to get accomplished, but nothing is happening. I'm tired of talking about them and not getting them to come alive. They're stuck in my mind, getting worn down and losing that spark they had when I dreamed them up.
I'm exhausted, in every sense of the word.
Maybe I'm just out of it from being sick yesterday. Who knows?
Maybe I'll make a list. Write my plans before the end of 2013 and when I can see them written, maybe I'll get a spark of inspiration. Maybe being able to slowly cross them off my list will help push me a little bit more.
We'll see.

If The Moon Fell Down.

Life lately has taken a huge turn on me. In a very positive way.
A few months ago, the boy I spent every night dreaming of sent me a text and wanted to hang out. As hesitant as I was, I accepted the offer. Awkward smiles and anxiety-ridden talks later, we're together. We're beyond happy. This boy has me smitten.
Sometimes I ruin these happy moments in my life with paranoia and thinking "Is this whole thing real? I mean, is life actually going my way for once? This can't last, can it?"
I hope it does. I'll fight for it, too.
No one has treated me as amazing as this boy.
Cute surprises at work with homemade cakes and decorations. Bringing me coffee before work because he knows that's how I function best. Making a mix tape with amazing songs that filled me with joy while we're away from each other.
Since dating, we've been on some pretty amazing adventures. We took a trip last weekend a few hours from home and to my surprise, he was down to stop at run-down towns and barns to take pictures. He knows my love for adventure and photography and wants nothing more than for me to pursue that dream. He tells me I have the talent to do whatever I want. He inspires me to be the very best me that I can.
Sometimes, I'll catch myself staring at him at work with a huge smile on my face and thinking "He's mine. I'm his. That's my boy over there working his ass off and no matter what happens, he always has a smile on his face."
I fell in love with his smile and his optimism. I'd pick on him at work for always being happy and singing at work, but deep down, it's what made me fall for him. That and the fact that he was tall enough to reach items on the very top shelf that I couldn't.
I constantly find myself thinking about before him, even a few weeks. When we would work together and try our hardest to make small talk, both of us wanting to get to know one another but never knowing what to say. I'll think of the time I went out with co-workers and we went bowling. I caught him (at least what I thought) looking my way with the biggest smile on his face. I remember going to sleep that night with that image stuck in my head hoping it was meant for me. He'd call me Esteban at work because it was my Mexican name and I'd call him Skyscraper because he was taller than anyone I'd ever met before.
For once in my life, I'm truly happy. This relationship feels so special and so real and sometimes it scares me. It terrifies me to know that someone cares for me as much as he does. We have some amazing adventures planned in the next few weeks and I can't wait to be able to share them. I'm taking another adventure in my life, one I never thought I would take. It's scary and it makes me so nervous, but I know it's going to be worth it.

Life Lately pt.II.

I know I recently did a "Life Lately" post, but this past week has been pretty difficult, so I'm going to write a little more about what's going on.
I know I'm being ridiculous. I know I'm being over dramatic. I can't help it.
These past few weeks have been just terrible for me. I'm tired of seeing everyone on social media talk about college and having finals. They're stressed out and they're complaining about studying and having to write papers. I did that too. I was a student before and I hated it, too. The thing is, I appreciate it now. Now that I haven't been in school for a year, I realize the importance and I see how badly I want it all again. I took it for granted.
As you know, I applied to a few schools a couple weeks back, not realizing how badly it would effect me. I got a letter from Colorado Mountain College saying I was accepted. I was beyond ecstatic. I'd spend hours laying in bed researching the school. I even went on Instagram and looked up the school and became filled with so much excitement thinking I may actually be going there in a few months. I was finally happy again letting myself think it would all work out.
Then I got a letter about financial aid. I filled out my FAFSA, but it wasn't complete; I needed my parents information because I wasn't considered an independent. I became enraged. I haven't lived at home for over a year, I claimed myself as an independent on my taxes and the worst part was I hadn't talked to my parents in over a year. Getting their information was going to be impossible for me. I didn't want to have to contact them and ask them for help. I wanted to do this all on my own. I declined adding their information, but I would need an official letter stating why I couldn't provide it. I wasn't abused by them, they didn't pass away and I was not going to get them to send a letter to the department saying they refused to give that information. I felt defeated. This whole time I was just trying to better myself and get back into school to further my education and make something of myself and I couldn't do it. I got my hopes up only for them to be crushed even before anything happened.
Last night I couldn't sleep. I couldn't stop thinking about school and trying to think of any way I could go back. I want this so badly. It's all I've been thinking about and it's making me sick in every possible aspect. I can't eat, I can't even sleep. I came to a decision at around 2 A.M and fell asleep with my stomach in knots.
Today, I woke up and called my mother.  I figured it was a long shot and I would end up hanging up on her because of an argument. She answered and we caught each other up on what we've been up to. As if no time had ever passed without us talking. It was awkward and then after it became unbelievably nostalgic. I missed talking to her. I felt kind of bad for the time we didn't talk.
I told her I planned on going back to school but needed their information. She said she would talk to my father this weekend and to call her next week. Apparently, my father isn't mad, just doesn't understand why so much time had passed. I don't know how I feel about him. I'm angry at him, but not really. I feel bad calling them now that I need something from them, but I feel like it's giving me a reason to get a hold of them again and maybe establish some kind of relationship?
So, I'm back to stressing and thinking about school again. I gave myself a few days to step back and forget about it all, but it's all come back. I guess I just play the waiting game. I'll call my mother again on Monday and hopefully get that information. If not, I have no other plan to fall back on.
Even if I do get the information, I still have to find out a way to take out a loan for school. This part is probably going to be the worst part and it's going to send me over the edge. I don't know why but the whole financial aspect of being a grown up absolutely freaks me out and takes over me.
I just want to move to another state. I'm ready to leave this town. It's given me amazing memories and it was a place I came to in a negative state and can leave in a much more positive time of my life.
I just want to live on my own. In a dorm room where I can meet new people and really get out of my comfort zone. I'm ready to join clubs and sports teams. I just want to try new things.
I just want to be back in a classroom, filled with students eager to learn. I'm ready to learn new things about a subject I absolutely love.
I just want to make a future for myself. I want to know I'm headed in a direction in my life that I am proud of.
I'm trying so hard not to stress or gets my hopes up. I know I'm going to end up doing so and if it fails, I'll be devastated.
I just want this so damn bad.

I apologize for the depressing post. I haven't been in a very good state of mind lately and I'm really trying to pull myself out of this rut. 

Life Lately.

Life lately.. I can't even explain. I don't even know where to begin. The past 24 hours have been the most stressful and anxious moments for me. I probably am making this out to be so much more dramatic than I intend to. 

This past week I had a serious discussion with my sister about my next step in my life. I'm so thankful she let me come stay with her for the past year when I really needed a new change in my life. I've had some pretty great experiences and have become a completely different person than I was a year ago. I've had time to sit down and fix some internal issues I've been dealing with. I've matured so much and I finally have my head on my shoulders. I've never been this level-headed and I'm finally thinking about my future and the things I can accomplish if I want to. 

We talked about school. I want to go back, so damn bad. I want to live on my own and attend a college where I can finally make a future for myself. I'm ready to get back into school and work as hard as possible as I need to so I can make something of myself. Not for anyone else but for myself. I want to help people. I want to expand my knowledge and take in as much as I can. 

I need to get out of El Paso. 

Don't get me wrong, I love this place. It's been my home for the last year and the experience has been so different than when I lived in New York. I appreciate everything so much more since being here, but it's not a place I will call my home. I'm ready to branch out and explore other cities and states. 

I've been researching schools like crazy, finding out school programs that fit me and schools that I can hopefully call home while I'm there. 

Yesterday was my day off of work, so I decided I'd do more research and apply to some schools I felt comfortable applying to. I applied to UTEP, which is a college here. I figured I'd give it a shot and see where that takes me. I wouldn't mind staying here for awhile if needed. 

I had a talk with my best friend and he gave me a ton of insight as to the college process and what my steps need to be. There was so much more than I expected and it completely caught me off guard. I didn't want that to stop me, though. I know it's not going to be an easy process and I can do it. 

But then I looked at my transcript from my previous college. That's when things got bad. 

My grades were pretty good. Until my last semester at OCC. If you've followed my blog since then, you'll know I went through a pretty bad break-up. I let a relationship control my life. I let another person leaving me completely break me. I was completely broken and I couldn't get myself to go to school. I tried, I went for a few weeks but after awhile it was all too much. 

That's what killed my transcript and GPA. That's where all of my stress is stemming from. I'm letting my GPA/transcript freak me out and completely stress me out. My sister told me not to worry and I'm trying my best not to. If you know me though, even the smallest of things can cause me to completely lose it. 

I haven't really been able to eat, I haven't stopped thinking about school. I lay in bed and pick up my phone to try to find any answers I can before I can finally get some rest. 

Last night, I applied to some community colleges in other states. Colleges that offer dorms because otherwise, I'm not going to reach my full potential. I need somewhere else to live besides with my sister where I can focus, stay on campus and become truly involved. 

I applied to some in California (where I hear they rarely accept transfers), and a few in random states where I know I'll transition into. 

I've been constantly checking my phone, hoping to see some sort of e-mail (not even a day after applied to. I know I won't find any) from a college. 

I've received a ton from the colleges stating I have applied and I've made a great choice in choosing their college. 

Today, I woke up to an E-Mail from a college in California. It said "Congratulations! You have been accepted for admission to ____ College." So, without getting my hopes up thinking they accepted me already, I e-mailed the admissions office trying to figure out what was going on. All I got back was the steps I needed to complete in order to take courses there. I've re-read this e-mail so many times today I've lost count. I'm not getting my hopes up, I mean.. I haven't even submitted my transcript from my previous college. Yeah, it's a community college and as read before, these colleges accept anyone with a high school degree (which I've read.. not so sure I believe. Maybe I just don't want to believe it's that easy.)

Then, at work I received another e-mail from another school. This one in Colorado. The most beautiful place I've ever googled. This campus is absolutely beautiful and surrounded my mountains. Waking up on this campus everyday would be inspiring. This one said "Congratulations on your admission to ____ College." Along with we're excited you are planning to attend. Then, it said "You will be receiving an official letter of admission in the mail." What? I could not of gotten accept THIS quickly. Impossible. Again, I didn't send a transcript. My sister told me to just wait for the letter but that it seems legit. 

I mean, I refuse to let myself get my hopes up. I've already looked up videos on this college and felt myself thinking about my life on this campus already. I feel crazy for BEING this crazy about the whole college thing, but I want this so badly. I'm ready for this. I know I'm going to have a shit ton of work to do. I know it's not going to be easy. I'm ready to finally work my ass off for something I want. 

So, I'm going to keep researching schools. I'll apply to ones I see fit and I'll complete these little check lists they require in order to attend their college. I'm not going to get my hopes up, I'm not going to tell myself "You've gotten accepted." until I see the letter. 

I just hope this stress and anxiety is all worth it, because I have a feeling that if I can go back to school, I'm going to surprise myself and everyone else around me. 

I have to keep telling myself that I can do this. 

On pushing yourself.

Life lately has been pretty slow. I've been working as much as possible and I spend the rest of my day drinking coffee and day dreaming of a better life for myself. I'm so thankful I have a job, one that for the most part I enjoy. I'm thankful I have my sister in my life to help me get through whatever I need help with. The thing is, I feel pretty insignificant. I don't feel like my life is taking any sort of direction at this moment. I feel like I'm at a standstill. I was thinking the other day and it came to me; I feel like my days just repeat. I forget what day it is because I'm in such a routine and do the same thing everyday, I feel like they just blur into one. Does that make sense?
Yesterday, I found myself creating this perfect picture in my head. For so long now, I've wanted to go back to school. Everyday I'm reminded of this when I see everyone else talk about their classes or how much work they've got to do. I miss that. I miss being stressed about school and being worried I won't be able to write a paper before the due date. It sounds lame because I remember in the past I hated it, but it challenged me and when I really sat down to write it, I didn't mind it. I want to attend college and be involved and interact with other students. I want to finally work on making myself a better person and aim for a degree. I want to feel like I'm making a future for myself. I don't feel like that at all right now. A girl I work with keeps telling me "You need to go back to school. You're way too smart and I don't want to see you waste away here." which.. no one has ever said something like that to me. No one has ever really told me I'm too good for a place or too smart. It's encouraging and heartbreaking at the same time. I mean, I know I'm not as smart as I'd like to be, but for someone to take notice of it and believe in me, when we only see each other at work is pretty amazing.
For so long I've pictured going back to school and being excited but then I'm hit with reality. Do I really believe I'll get accepted anywhere besides a community college? Probably not. I didn't do so well at my last college and it was because I lived at home. I'd go to school, get work and come home and put it off because I was comfortable at home. I couldn't get myself to become motivated once I got back home to actually do it. The funny thing is, the courses that dealt with my major, I got all A's in. I kicked ass in those classes. In all honesty, I feel like if I applied to a college, it would be a waste. I would waste my time putting in all that work only to be rejected later on.
I'm finally at a point in my life where I want to apply to a school, get accepted and move on campus. I'm ready to really study and kick ass. I'm ready to start building a future for myself and prove to everyone that I am not as lazy as I've been portraying. I'm such a procrastinator and it's been my downfall my whole life. It also doesn't help that dealing with school applications and tuition stresses me out and scares me to hell that I am too afraid to take the next step and do it. I'm terrified of being in debt because of school that I haven't made any moves in life because of it. I can't be like that. I have to finally put my fears aside and just think about my future and making sure I'm ready for it and willing to do whatever I have to.
I need to do more than just work. I don't want my life to continue being a standstill. I need a new adventure in my life and I need to open a new chapter.
I had a talk with my sister last night at dinner. I texted her yesterday morning and told her we needed to talk about school for me because I felt like such a loser. I knew if I didn't text her then I wouldn't later on or bring it up. At dinner, I told her my issues and to sum it up she said "I don't want to see you not do something because you don't believe you can, because you can." which made me stop and think for a moment. For so long, I've wanted to do things but I didn't believe in myself. I would imagine these plans unfold and they would excite me and make me want to do anything possible to achieve these goals. Then I would tell myself there's no way in hell I could actually do that. The idea would then be put away and I wouldn't touch it again. I've doubted myself and my goals for so long. I've been afraid. I don't want to be rejected and I don't want to try out for a goal and then it come crashing to the ground. It would devastate me. I'm terrified of failing at something.
I can't do that anymore. I want to go back to school and work on creating a solid future for myself. So, instead of wishing and hoping that one day I can do it, I need to do it now. I have to stop thinking about the rejection and failure it could bring. Anything you do can fail. Anything you do can also be a success. There's only one way to find out. Do it.
So, today I am no longer worried about the failure this could bring. I am no longer going to worry about the what-if's and the possibility of something happening in my life. There is only one way to find out if I can actually achieve this goal and that's to do it. I'm going to start researching schools and looking up programs and see where this can take me. I am going to be completely lost and have no idea what I'm doing for awhile, but I am going to only better myself for doing this. I am no longer going to let my life stand still and be at a hold.
I'm nervous.
I'm scared.
And I'm hopeful.
I can do this. I'm going to do this.
I'm ready.

Back to reality.

I'm back home in El Paso. Last week came and went already. My plane came in yesterday at about 1 in the afternoon. You know how some people go away for a week or so and after awhile they're like "Oh, well.. I do miss home a bit. I miss so and so."
Yeah, not me. At all.
The whole week my sister and I kept saying we didn't want to leave and we wanted to just stay in Raleigh. Sadly, we weren't able to. We have jobs and responsibilities to get back to. Lame.
It was probably one of the best weeks I've had in a very long time. So much greenery and so much happiness shared with the family I love most. My sister's backyard has a creek and it's surrounded by trees. I felt like I was in paradise. She also has a trail behind her house that we went on a few times. I even went alone because of how peaceful and nice it was to just walk with your headphones in and clear your head.
We stayed in Myrtle Beach for the week, which was pretty amazing, even with the not so nice weather we had. That didn't bother me. It rained but I liked it. It doesn't rain here. They kept apologizing for it not being such a hot week and for not being able to go swimming but again, I was with my favorite people in a new place, so I can't complain.
Remember when I kept posting about taking pictures with my cameras? Yep, never happened. I'm okay with that, though. I didn't want to constantly carry my camera to take pictures and not enjoy the moment we all had together. I took a lot with my phone and I've been spamming Instagram, which I don't like doing. I have so many more to share, so if you'd like you can follow me here.
I think I'll be done with traveling for awhile.. by plane at least. Seriously, I'm such a terrible flyer. I'd much rather spend 20+ hours in a car than fly for a few hours.
I'll post more of an update later on. I have a lot to talk about, but I just wanted to post something quick updating you all. Hope you're all doing well!

The story behind my zombie tattoo.

More often than I would of thought, my zombie tattoo gets a lot of weird stares or odd comments thrown towards me when people see it. I'm sure my family thought I was bat-shit crazy for wanting to get zombies permanently etched into my skin. Lately, since starting my new job, people will lift my sleeve up and admire all of the color and tell me how badass my tattoos are. They've said "why the zombies?" and when I explain the story, they tell me how nice that was, but I'm sure they still secretly think I have issues. I think to fully understand the meaning behind this tattoo, you'd have to have experienced what I did. You would of had to have spent the years 2005-2010 with me. Even when I explain it, I feel like I didn't do justice and that people don't completely get it. I'm fine with that, though.. because I know exactly why I got it and I know how proud I am of it. Though I don't like to pick favorites for tattoos, this has to be my favorite, or.. most meaningful.
In 2005, my Grandmother got sick and passed away. I will never forget that day. I'll never forget the sadness that took over the family, especially my Grandfather. He was heartbroken and devastated. Since her passing, when we went to visit him, he was different. For years, he would say how much he missed her and how he just wanted to be with her again. It broke my heart whenever he said something like that. For awhile, I thought he would take his own life, just for the chance to see her again.
Growing up, besides my older sister, being around my grandparents really helped me see what true love was. I try not to believe that there is only one person destined to be with someone for the rest of their lives, or that we've got soul mates that we're trying to find. To me, it doesn't seem possible. But them two, they were perfect together. Visiting them, I would hear them bicker back and forth, but moments later, they were okay. They weren't mad and they went back to their normal routine. It was nice to see, because honestly, most of my family and their marriages were pretty shitty. They'd bicker and fight all the time. There was a lot of breakups and divorces. It could of made me a terrible person for a relationship, because it was a constant issue, but I really believe my grandparents relationship made me into the big, gushy romantic that I am today. I dream of having a marriage and relationship like they have. I say have, because as non-religious as I am, I believe they're together again.
In 2010, my Grandpa fell and hurt his hip. He was in a rehabilitation center and was starting to do better, but suddenly it all went downhill. He had a heart attack and he had a DNR signed and almost died then. Luckily, he survived and slowly recovered. After that incident, he seemed to want to live again, he would make plans in the hospital about future events he wanted to take part in and it was nice to see him a little filled with life again. Sadly, his health didn't get much better and eventually went downhill.
His organ were failing, and he needed Hospice to take care of him. My parents decided he would stay in the spare bedroom we had and though we knew he would eventually pass, we were able to take care of him for a few weeks before he went. Again, I remember that time like it was yesterday and it was probably the most life-changing, fucked up situation I was ever in. How many people are able to watch their loved ones, day after day slowly decline, every day an organ slowly failing until one day, they were gone. Though, I've experienced death where I was never able to say goodbye or give any last words, I was grateful I was able to talk to him before he passed away. I was able to tell him it was okay to let go and to find Grandma and be with here again.
Well, during this time, my birthday was coming up, and years prior, I was given money to get a tattoo. I knew what I wanted. I E-Mailed my favorite tattoo artist and gave him my ideas and he sent me a sketch. I remember opening the E-Mail and tearing up because it was so much better than I thought. I was pumped to get it done. I think my parents thought I was insane for wanting zombies, but I told everyone the meaning it had to me and they thought it was such a nice, meaningful tattoo.
My tattoo features two zombies, covered in blood, dancing in the moonlight in a graveyard. To me, this tattoo represents my grandparents. They've both passed and they're finally together again. Their love carried on in to the after life. I have never seen two people so much in love and so happy together. I dream of something half as amazing as what my grandparents had. I know in my heart they're together again. I know that their love carried on after their passing and it's still as strong as it was when they were alive.
When I explain this to some people, their response is usually "So... your grandparents are zombies?" - which, I find sort of ignorant, but I brush it off and laugh. I mean, I wanted to show they were dead, but still together and happy. I didn't want to get words or sayings because it would of said too much without me speaking right off the bat. I wanted a picture, something that wasn't as easy to read from a passerby. When people ask me about this tattoo, I get so filled with happiness and I'm so proud of it. I know when I'm 80 and look down, it may be wrinkled and discolored, but it'll remind me of something I was able to witness that made me who I am today.