Today, I'm not feeling like myself. I'm not sure why, but I have this nagging feeling patting me on the back and it's irritating. I woke up this morning feeling completely fine and after having coffee, this odd mood came over me. I hate not being able to pinpoint why I'm feeling the way I am, it's a mystery to me and it's one I'd like to uncover as soon as possible to get back to my normal self. This one has me completely baffled, though.
Maybe it's the fact that there is something seriously wrong with my father and after a year of doctors, we're still not sure what's going on. He's seen numerous doctors, done numerous tests and went to a dozen specialists. All of which with no real answers. Today, he made a 40 mile trip to get an MRI and when he returned home, the technician called him and told him to contact his doctor as soon as possible, who is on vacation until Tuesday. She told him not to wait that long.
That sinking feeling came back when I heard this and I wanted to vomit.
My father is in pain. He can't work as much as he used to because he's constantly pulling muscles. He can't even sneeze without a muscle getting torn. He can't reach cups from the cupboard and we have to help him. He can't sleep at night and he's constantly stirring in the middle of the night.
I guess I just want answers, I know he does.. and so does my mother.
This is going on too long.
I suppose I'm also feeling a bit inadequate. I have goals, dreams and things I want to accomplish. I want them done sooner than later but I'm not sure what my problem is. I have all of these dreams I'm dying to get accomplished, but nothing is happening. I'm tired of talking about them and not getting them to come alive. They're stuck in my mind, getting worn down and losing that spark they had when I dreamed them up.
I'm exhausted, in every sense of the word.
Maybe I'm just out of it from being sick yesterday. Who knows?
Maybe I'll make a list. Write my plans before the end of 2013 and when I can see them written, maybe I'll get a spark of inspiration. Maybe being able to slowly cross them off my list will help push me a little bit more.
We'll see.
I felt exactly the same the other week. I felt like utter shit, with so much I wanted to do and no motivation or clue where to start. I wrote everything down, like everything! And I just got it all out and now I feel so much lighter and I can gradually cross it all off and see it done and dusted.
ReplyDeletePima sorry about your dad too, I hope the test results can give you some piece of mind, and it's all okay.
holly xxx