Soon You Begin To Realize Your Own Mortality.

This whole mortality concept has been on my mind a lot lately, especially given the last few days. As I've posted before, my father has prostate cancer. The docter's told him they feel good about it, but then it changed to, "If radiation doesn't take, you'll have 3-5 years.." which hit like a ton of fucking bricks. I can't imagine taking the news that I've got a set time to live the rest of my life before I died. I couldn't imagine sitting in that office being told I would soon die. He's in his early 50's, I mean.. that's still considered young. At least to me.
He's been upset a lot. He is a proud man and he doesn't let emotions show or when times hit hard, he puts on his strong face and faces it head on but when you get news like this, it's not going to be so easy. He's worried about my mother and he wants to make sure she's taken care of. When it comes down to it, that's his biggest fear, that my mother won't be taken care of after he passes.
Last night, he sat me and my mother down and had a serious talk with us about what's going on. He says things are getting bad again, to where he can't walk. He's saying he's probably going to have to be taken out of work again because it's getting to that point all over again. He doesn't think the radiation is doing anything and he doesn't believe he's got even three years left.
I still don't understand this. How does this happen to a man who has worked his ass off his entire time? Sure, him and I may not have had the best relationship, but when it comes down to it, he has done everything and anything for his family. Whenever someone is in a tight situation he is there to help. He doesn't ask for a thank you and he does it without expecting something in return.
He doesn't deserve this and he still has so much left in him. But it's being taken away.
I told him I already had my mother in mind when dealing with this situation. Of course I wouldn't want anything to happen to him, but in the search of an apartment, Kryss and I are keeping in mind a worse case scenario. If anything were to happen, my mother would live with us. She'd be taken care of. She wouldn't have to worry about affording a mortgage all on her own.
Death really fucks with my mind. I've dealt with a lot of death in my life and it all started at a very young age. I lost my brother when I was eight years old and it just seems like periodically I would lose another person close to me. From a young age I was faced with the idea of mortality and the fact that it's inevitable. When it's your time, it's your time. There's nothing you can do about it.
Death makes me want to sit down with the victim and become this open book of emotions and encouragement. Sure, I don't know what's on the other side, but I'd want them to know not to be afraid. I'd tell them to think about all of those people they have lost and the fact that they'll be reunited. It makes me want to give thanks to that person for everything they've done and to put any harsh feelings or bullshit arguments we had in the past and to forget about them. I want to hug the person and tell them I love them and I couldn't be the person I am today without them.
But I suppose when it comes down to it, death shouldn't make me want to share emotions or appreciation to others. That's the way I was raised, though. My family never showed emotion or times of hardcomings.
I was talking to Kryss last night, who has never dealt with death. I said "It's the hardest thing you'll have to endure. The sad thing is, I've dealt with so much death in my life that it's not as hard as it used to be. You learn to deal with the pain and you know what to expect when dealing with grief." It's sad, but I know what's going to happen. It's this never-ending or changing cycle that you go through when dealing with death and it's become so repetitive to me, I know all of those feelings and stages I'll go through.
We still have hope, I still have hope. Maybe it's all in his head, or maybe after more radiation things will start to look up. I guess that's all we really can do.

I am a little apprehensive to post about this kind of stuff on my blog, but I want to remember everything in years to come. The good, the bad and the ugly are things I want to be able to sit back and read and grow from. 

Where Do I Begin?

I honestly am not even sure how to go about talking about this topic. It's something I never imagined having to talk about, because once I mention it and hit post, it'll all become a reality for me. I've been keeping strong for the past few days and I think I'll be okay. Here goes nothing..
My dad has been sick for about a year now. He's seen multiple doctors and specialists and it's been a back and forth process. It felt like nothing got accomplished and they just kept giving him all of these prescriptions that weren't figuring out the issue. Apparently, he had Edema and Pneumonia. He had swelling in his legs that just wouldn't go down until they tried giving him a few different medications. It finally helped and the swelling went down.
The other day he went and got some scans done on himself and as soon as he got back home, he got a call from a technician saying he needs to see a doctor as soon as possible. He tried telling her his doctor was on vacation until Tuesday but she told him not to wait that long, it was urgent.
We all sort of knew what she meant by this..
So, he got a hold of his doctor. He was brought to the ER and he's being kept for a few days to do testing. My mom has been texting and calling me letting me know how everything is going while I'm at work. I hated going to work. I felt like such a piece of shit for leaving my mother to take care of this and for leaving my father while he obviously is not in okay condition. What am I going to do, though? Sit in the hospital for hours while he waited for a room until 5 in the morning? There's not much I can do, honestly. I know it was best to just continue of with life until we finally got some kind of news and course of action.
Last night Kryss and I picked my mom up from the hospital after work.
My dad has prostate cancer. It spread to his chest.. and spine.
That fucking hit like a ton of bricks.
No one wants to hear that C word, no matter what. Once the word cancer comes into play, everything changes. The strongest of men will break. Cancer is no joke and the word will make anyone cringe into a fit.
The doctor talked to my parents last night and he says he feels good about this. Medication and radiation should take care of the cancer in his system. He doesn't think it's bad at all and thinks my dad will make a full recovery and lead a normal life again. Of course, it's not going to be easy and he's going to have to work at it.
They started my father on medication yesterday at 4 P.M and he seems to be doing well, he's staying positive and he's walking again, something he struggled with a few days ago.
Bad things always seem to hit my family. I'm keeping a positive attitude and trying to continue on with things like normal. This doctor seems to know his shit, he is a specialist for prostate cancer and he feels good about this situation, so I'll trust him.
We're hoping for the best. Hopefully this medication and radiation can kick the cancer in the ass and get it out of his system. The man has been sick for the past year so he definitely deserves a break.