Life Lately.

Life lately.. I can't even explain. I don't even know where to begin. The past 24 hours have been the most stressful and anxious moments for me. I probably am making this out to be so much more dramatic than I intend to. 

This past week I had a serious discussion with my sister about my next step in my life. I'm so thankful she let me come stay with her for the past year when I really needed a new change in my life. I've had some pretty great experiences and have become a completely different person than I was a year ago. I've had time to sit down and fix some internal issues I've been dealing with. I've matured so much and I finally have my head on my shoulders. I've never been this level-headed and I'm finally thinking about my future and the things I can accomplish if I want to. 

We talked about school. I want to go back, so damn bad. I want to live on my own and attend a college where I can finally make a future for myself. I'm ready to get back into school and work as hard as possible as I need to so I can make something of myself. Not for anyone else but for myself. I want to help people. I want to expand my knowledge and take in as much as I can. 

I need to get out of El Paso. 

Don't get me wrong, I love this place. It's been my home for the last year and the experience has been so different than when I lived in New York. I appreciate everything so much more since being here, but it's not a place I will call my home. I'm ready to branch out and explore other cities and states. 

I've been researching schools like crazy, finding out school programs that fit me and schools that I can hopefully call home while I'm there. 

Yesterday was my day off of work, so I decided I'd do more research and apply to some schools I felt comfortable applying to. I applied to UTEP, which is a college here. I figured I'd give it a shot and see where that takes me. I wouldn't mind staying here for awhile if needed. 

I had a talk with my best friend and he gave me a ton of insight as to the college process and what my steps need to be. There was so much more than I expected and it completely caught me off guard. I didn't want that to stop me, though. I know it's not going to be an easy process and I can do it. 

But then I looked at my transcript from my previous college. That's when things got bad. 

My grades were pretty good. Until my last semester at OCC. If you've followed my blog since then, you'll know I went through a pretty bad break-up. I let a relationship control my life. I let another person leaving me completely break me. I was completely broken and I couldn't get myself to go to school. I tried, I went for a few weeks but after awhile it was all too much. 

That's what killed my transcript and GPA. That's where all of my stress is stemming from. I'm letting my GPA/transcript freak me out and completely stress me out. My sister told me not to worry and I'm trying my best not to. If you know me though, even the smallest of things can cause me to completely lose it. 

I haven't really been able to eat, I haven't stopped thinking about school. I lay in bed and pick up my phone to try to find any answers I can before I can finally get some rest. 

Last night, I applied to some community colleges in other states. Colleges that offer dorms because otherwise, I'm not going to reach my full potential. I need somewhere else to live besides with my sister where I can focus, stay on campus and become truly involved. 

I applied to some in California (where I hear they rarely accept transfers), and a few in random states where I know I'll transition into. 

I've been constantly checking my phone, hoping to see some sort of e-mail (not even a day after applied to. I know I won't find any) from a college. 

I've received a ton from the colleges stating I have applied and I've made a great choice in choosing their college. 

Today, I woke up to an E-Mail from a college in California. It said "Congratulations! You have been accepted for admission to ____ College." So, without getting my hopes up thinking they accepted me already, I e-mailed the admissions office trying to figure out what was going on. All I got back was the steps I needed to complete in order to take courses there. I've re-read this e-mail so many times today I've lost count. I'm not getting my hopes up, I mean.. I haven't even submitted my transcript from my previous college. Yeah, it's a community college and as read before, these colleges accept anyone with a high school degree (which I've read.. not so sure I believe. Maybe I just don't want to believe it's that easy.)

Then, at work I received another e-mail from another school. This one in Colorado. The most beautiful place I've ever googled. This campus is absolutely beautiful and surrounded my mountains. Waking up on this campus everyday would be inspiring. This one said "Congratulations on your admission to ____ College." Along with we're excited you are planning to attend. Then, it said "You will be receiving an official letter of admission in the mail." What? I could not of gotten accept THIS quickly. Impossible. Again, I didn't send a transcript. My sister told me to just wait for the letter but that it seems legit. 

I mean, I refuse to let myself get my hopes up. I've already looked up videos on this college and felt myself thinking about my life on this campus already. I feel crazy for BEING this crazy about the whole college thing, but I want this so badly. I'm ready for this. I know I'm going to have a shit ton of work to do. I know it's not going to be easy. I'm ready to finally work my ass off for something I want. 

So, I'm going to keep researching schools. I'll apply to ones I see fit and I'll complete these little check lists they require in order to attend their college. I'm not going to get my hopes up, I'm not going to tell myself "You've gotten accepted." until I see the letter. 

I just hope this stress and anxiety is all worth it, because I have a feeling that if I can go back to school, I'm going to surprise myself and everyone else around me. 

I have to keep telling myself that I can do this.