Life Lately pt.II.

I know I recently did a "Life Lately" post, but this past week has been pretty difficult, so I'm going to write a little more about what's going on.
I know I'm being ridiculous. I know I'm being over dramatic. I can't help it.
These past few weeks have been just terrible for me. I'm tired of seeing everyone on social media talk about college and having finals. They're stressed out and they're complaining about studying and having to write papers. I did that too. I was a student before and I hated it, too. The thing is, I appreciate it now. Now that I haven't been in school for a year, I realize the importance and I see how badly I want it all again. I took it for granted.
As you know, I applied to a few schools a couple weeks back, not realizing how badly it would effect me. I got a letter from Colorado Mountain College saying I was accepted. I was beyond ecstatic. I'd spend hours laying in bed researching the school. I even went on Instagram and looked up the school and became filled with so much excitement thinking I may actually be going there in a few months. I was finally happy again letting myself think it would all work out.
Then I got a letter about financial aid. I filled out my FAFSA, but it wasn't complete; I needed my parents information because I wasn't considered an independent. I became enraged. I haven't lived at home for over a year, I claimed myself as an independent on my taxes and the worst part was I hadn't talked to my parents in over a year. Getting their information was going to be impossible for me. I didn't want to have to contact them and ask them for help. I wanted to do this all on my own. I declined adding their information, but I would need an official letter stating why I couldn't provide it. I wasn't abused by them, they didn't pass away and I was not going to get them to send a letter to the department saying they refused to give that information. I felt defeated. This whole time I was just trying to better myself and get back into school to further my education and make something of myself and I couldn't do it. I got my hopes up only for them to be crushed even before anything happened.
Last night I couldn't sleep. I couldn't stop thinking about school and trying to think of any way I could go back. I want this so badly. It's all I've been thinking about and it's making me sick in every possible aspect. I can't eat, I can't even sleep. I came to a decision at around 2 A.M and fell asleep with my stomach in knots.
Today, I woke up and called my mother.  I figured it was a long shot and I would end up hanging up on her because of an argument. She answered and we caught each other up on what we've been up to. As if no time had ever passed without us talking. It was awkward and then after it became unbelievably nostalgic. I missed talking to her. I felt kind of bad for the time we didn't talk.
I told her I planned on going back to school but needed their information. She said she would talk to my father this weekend and to call her next week. Apparently, my father isn't mad, just doesn't understand why so much time had passed. I don't know how I feel about him. I'm angry at him, but not really. I feel bad calling them now that I need something from them, but I feel like it's giving me a reason to get a hold of them again and maybe establish some kind of relationship?
So, I'm back to stressing and thinking about school again. I gave myself a few days to step back and forget about it all, but it's all come back. I guess I just play the waiting game. I'll call my mother again on Monday and hopefully get that information. If not, I have no other plan to fall back on.
Even if I do get the information, I still have to find out a way to take out a loan for school. This part is probably going to be the worst part and it's going to send me over the edge. I don't know why but the whole financial aspect of being a grown up absolutely freaks me out and takes over me.
I just want to move to another state. I'm ready to leave this town. It's given me amazing memories and it was a place I came to in a negative state and can leave in a much more positive time of my life.
I just want to live on my own. In a dorm room where I can meet new people and really get out of my comfort zone. I'm ready to join clubs and sports teams. I just want to try new things.
I just want to be back in a classroom, filled with students eager to learn. I'm ready to learn new things about a subject I absolutely love.
I just want to make a future for myself. I want to know I'm headed in a direction in my life that I am proud of.
I'm trying so hard not to stress or gets my hopes up. I know I'm going to end up doing so and if it fails, I'll be devastated.
I just want this so damn bad.

I apologize for the depressing post. I haven't been in a very good state of mind lately and I'm really trying to pull myself out of this rut. 

On pushing yourself.

Life lately has been pretty slow. I've been working as much as possible and I spend the rest of my day drinking coffee and day dreaming of a better life for myself. I'm so thankful I have a job, one that for the most part I enjoy. I'm thankful I have my sister in my life to help me get through whatever I need help with. The thing is, I feel pretty insignificant. I don't feel like my life is taking any sort of direction at this moment. I feel like I'm at a standstill. I was thinking the other day and it came to me; I feel like my days just repeat. I forget what day it is because I'm in such a routine and do the same thing everyday, I feel like they just blur into one. Does that make sense?
Yesterday, I found myself creating this perfect picture in my head. For so long now, I've wanted to go back to school. Everyday I'm reminded of this when I see everyone else talk about their classes or how much work they've got to do. I miss that. I miss being stressed about school and being worried I won't be able to write a paper before the due date. It sounds lame because I remember in the past I hated it, but it challenged me and when I really sat down to write it, I didn't mind it. I want to attend college and be involved and interact with other students. I want to finally work on making myself a better person and aim for a degree. I want to feel like I'm making a future for myself. I don't feel like that at all right now. A girl I work with keeps telling me "You need to go back to school. You're way too smart and I don't want to see you waste away here." which.. no one has ever said something like that to me. No one has ever really told me I'm too good for a place or too smart. It's encouraging and heartbreaking at the same time. I mean, I know I'm not as smart as I'd like to be, but for someone to take notice of it and believe in me, when we only see each other at work is pretty amazing.
For so long I've pictured going back to school and being excited but then I'm hit with reality. Do I really believe I'll get accepted anywhere besides a community college? Probably not. I didn't do so well at my last college and it was because I lived at home. I'd go to school, get work and come home and put it off because I was comfortable at home. I couldn't get myself to become motivated once I got back home to actually do it. The funny thing is, the courses that dealt with my major, I got all A's in. I kicked ass in those classes. In all honesty, I feel like if I applied to a college, it would be a waste. I would waste my time putting in all that work only to be rejected later on.
I'm finally at a point in my life where I want to apply to a school, get accepted and move on campus. I'm ready to really study and kick ass. I'm ready to start building a future for myself and prove to everyone that I am not as lazy as I've been portraying. I'm such a procrastinator and it's been my downfall my whole life. It also doesn't help that dealing with school applications and tuition stresses me out and scares me to hell that I am too afraid to take the next step and do it. I'm terrified of being in debt because of school that I haven't made any moves in life because of it. I can't be like that. I have to finally put my fears aside and just think about my future and making sure I'm ready for it and willing to do whatever I have to.
I need to do more than just work. I don't want my life to continue being a standstill. I need a new adventure in my life and I need to open a new chapter.
I had a talk with my sister last night at dinner. I texted her yesterday morning and told her we needed to talk about school for me because I felt like such a loser. I knew if I didn't text her then I wouldn't later on or bring it up. At dinner, I told her my issues and to sum it up she said "I don't want to see you not do something because you don't believe you can, because you can." which made me stop and think for a moment. For so long, I've wanted to do things but I didn't believe in myself. I would imagine these plans unfold and they would excite me and make me want to do anything possible to achieve these goals. Then I would tell myself there's no way in hell I could actually do that. The idea would then be put away and I wouldn't touch it again. I've doubted myself and my goals for so long. I've been afraid. I don't want to be rejected and I don't want to try out for a goal and then it come crashing to the ground. It would devastate me. I'm terrified of failing at something.
I can't do that anymore. I want to go back to school and work on creating a solid future for myself. So, instead of wishing and hoping that one day I can do it, I need to do it now. I have to stop thinking about the rejection and failure it could bring. Anything you do can fail. Anything you do can also be a success. There's only one way to find out. Do it.
So, today I am no longer worried about the failure this could bring. I am no longer going to worry about the what-if's and the possibility of something happening in my life. There is only one way to find out if I can actually achieve this goal and that's to do it. I'm going to start researching schools and looking up programs and see where this can take me. I am going to be completely lost and have no idea what I'm doing for awhile, but I am going to only better myself for doing this. I am no longer going to let my life stand still and be at a hold.
I'm nervous.
I'm scared.
And I'm hopeful.
I can do this. I'm going to do this.
I'm ready.