This Time Tomorrow.

I'll be in our new apartment, probably still unpacking and getting settled. Kryss will be at work and I'll be home alone. Part of that thought excites me and the other part is terrified; I've seen too many horror movies so I'll know what to expect. I'll probably end up checking under the bed and the shower curtain 20 times that night just incase someone else came in and wants to chop my body into a million unidentifiable pieces.
It's a little bittersweet for me right now, I've been back home for almost 6 months living in my old room again. So much has changed since I left and this room doesn't even feel like it did before I left. We've turned this one bedroom into our own little home and it's been so comfortable and felt like our own little place, it'll be sad to see it emptied and left alone. This probably seems ridiculous because we're moving into an actual apartment but it's been my place for so many years.
Less than a month ago we signed lease papers and every day leading up to it has felt like an eternity, until I woke up today. Instead of waking Kryss up with the usual "_ days left!", it was spent anxious and nervous because this secretly crept up on us. I've complained so many times that this day seemed like it would never get here, but now that we're less than 24 hours away, it seems like it flew by.
I'll miss..
I'm going to miss this room like hell. The white walls that brightened the room up, the bookshelf Kryss made that is holding all of our souvenirs and cameras.
I'm going to miss being able to wake up and walk downstairs to find my mother. We talk as I'm making a pot of coffee and I won't get that anymore.
I'm going to miss my dog, Alex. Since I came back home, he's been pretty attached to me and it's going to be so sad to leave him again. It's sad to admit, but he's like my best friend. He's always so happy to see me and follows Kryss and I around the house.
I'm going to miss my mother's home-cooked meals. I missed them so badly when I lived in Texas and it was wonderful coming back to them. Kryss makes a pretty good meal but food made by mother's is more special.
I'm going to miss my father's jokes at the most random times. He always has something to say and a comeback for everything.
I'll love..
Getting in the kitchen with Kryss. I am so anxious to make meals with him and sit down to eat.
Not having to tip-toe around the house. My father has difficulty sleeping so we've been extra quiet when we wake up in the middle of the night. It'll be nice to not have to worry about waking him up.
Not having to watch my language. My father hates vulgar language.. but it's a large part of my vocabulary. Sad to admit but it'll be nice to not have to think before I speak all the time. Hah.
More photo opportunities. Sort of an odd excitement but I don't take pictures of myself or others in my parent's house. I'm trying to get into self-portraiture but I can't really do it unless it's in my room. I'm really self-conscious about that kind of thing and it's so lame to admit but it'll be nice not having to be careful when trying to take a picture.

A Review Of 2013.

I know everyone is saying it, but where did 2013 go? It feels like just yesterday I was sitting at a country bar in El Paso counting down until the ball dropped. I'll never forget that night and it's not because it was special. I sat at a table while everyone was grabbing their loved ones, getting ready for that kiss for the new year. People were laughing with their significant others and holding them tight, ready to bring in the year together. I looked over at my sister and her husband and grew tired and envious. I had no one that year to bring in the new year with. Sure, I had my sister and brother-in-law.. but as over-rated as this is, I wish I had someone to kiss and hold when everyone screamed in excitement. So, when it struck midnight and everyone kissed and cheered, I sat at that that table feeling alone.
Because the truth was, I never had a New Year's kiss. The previous year I sat outside of a club crying. My ex and I got into an argument because he was wasted and I sat in the cold instead of being with everyone else.
Would I change any of that, though? Not a damn thing.
Because this year is special. This New Year's will be nothing like it was before.
I'll be in New York City bringing in the new year with my best friend and partner. I'll have that kiss that I've dreamed of for so long. I'll be in my favorite place in the world, surrounded by so much energy.
So with the end of the year, I can't help but think back to this year as a whole. All of my accomplishments, changes and hopes for 2014. When I started 2013, I did not think my life would have changed as much as it has. I never thought I'd come back home, especially with such a different look on everything.

I'm talking to my parents again. 
We didn't talk for a whole year over a small misunderstanding. Today, we're closer than ever and I am so happy that I'm back with them when they need me the most. My father and I have the best relationship we've ever had. All it took was a simple phone call.
I met Kryss, my partner and best friend. 
Thanks to a job we both worked at, I met Kryss. I met someone who I can connect with and talk to about anything. This is going to sound lame, but he's my hero and I'm always pushing myself to be as good a person as he is. I've never felt so happy with myself and thought as much about the future as I do with him.
I kept two jobs. For a month. 
For a month of 2013, I had two jobs. I didn't like one but I despised the other. The boss drank at work and also did drugs. He was crazy and erratic and because I called in one day, he decided to come to my other job and make a huge scene. This all caused the demise of the relationship I had with my sister and moving in with Kryss.  I wouldn't change a thing and I couldn't be happier with the ways things turned out. Thinking back, that boss did me a favor.
I took so many pictures, holy shit!
I'll occasionally turn my computer on and look through photographs. I can't believe how many times I've used my camera in the past year. Kryss and I have been on so many adventures and he's the sole reason why I even picked my camera up as much as I have. He's went on these adventures with me, just as excited as I was and we bonded over it. We both enjoy adventures and crawling into abandoned farms.
I moved from El Paso, Texas to Syracuse, New York.
I never thought this would happen. I'm back home and I'm back at my old job. I love both and I am so happy to be back. I didn't think I'd ever return or look forward to being back home. I left this place in such a bad state and it's amazing to look back and see how different things are. Part of me wishes I could of talked to that old me right before I went to Texas, I'd let him know everything will be okay and I'd be back in a much better position.
I've been to New York City twice. 
... and tomorrow will make it a third! ;)
I can't begin to tell you how excited I am to be only four hours away from my favorite place on Earth. Kryss and I both dream of living there one day and just being able to visit is enough for now. I've been to the city more in the past four months than I have my entire life. It's unbelievable to think about.
We're beginning to look for an apartment. 
I've discussed it previously, but we're looking for an apartment. It's not going so well, but in 2014 we're going to keep our heads held high and continue on with the search. We're bound to find the perfect place, it'll just take a bit of time. In the end, I know all of this stress will be worth it.
I became a better version of myself. 
I was never a confident kid. I compared myself to everyone else and it constantly got me feeling down. This year I became a much more positive and happy person. I love myself and am so much more comfortable in my skin. I am so proud of myself for how far I've come alone in the past few months.

2013 was a very good year for me. I went through a lot of changes and ups and downs. I wouldn't change anything about this year and I can only hope that 2014 is an even better year. I've never been the type of person to sit back and reflect on things like the end of the year but I did this year because I felt like a lot happened. I met so many people and changed scenery so many times. I was given these amazing experiences that I'll never forget.
I hope you all have an exciting and safe New Years and I can't wait to come back refreshed for the new year.

Stepping Back For A Moment.

Sometimes, I just need to take a step back. I need to stop over-thinking, putting myself in these downer moods. I've been keeping myself as busy as I can and staying positive for what seems like forever. I'm trying my hardest to take deep breaths, remember the good in life and carrying on.
It's been hard. I'm the type of person that doesn't always see the good in life, if something tragic happens I just assume it's life's way of kicking me in the ass. If I didn't have bad luck, I'd have no luck at all. A lot of times, I just laugh at the ridiculousness that is my life.
We have more news on the progress of my father's cancer, but I'm not ready to talk about that as of now.
Sometimes I find myself getting seriously frustrated and upset for no apparent reason. I'll wake up fine, have my coffee and get ready for the day. I'll find myself getting anxious and angry with everything because they're not going the way I want. I want so many things to just go right for once and they're not happening fast enough.
I stopped for awhile today. With everything going on, I stopped thinking about the present right now. I turned my laptop on and looked through my folders of pictures I've taken this year. I traced it all the way back to El Paso, Texas.
When I wasn't talking to my parents.
I wasn't with Kryss.
I was feeling lonely and sad that I couldn't go back to school.
I was living with my sister, whom I no longer speak to.
I was working, but couldn't seem to save up. I'm not sure where the hell the money I was making went.
I felt like a complete waste of space.
I compared all of those things to how I am today. Though I am a complete 180 from then, things lately have been pretty upsetting, but I'm not letting that get to me.
I read this post from July, when Kryss and I decided to move here to New York. I am still in shock and dis-belief that we are here. We've been here for months and time has just flown by, I feel like we got here just days ago. I was so nervous, coming back to a home I left in pieces. Living with my parents again. Coming back to the city I was so disgusted by, only to see it's completely changed. I have a new appreciation for Syracuse. I was afraid they may not like Kryss, but I knew they would. He's outgoing and hardworking. He'll do anything for anyone.
They love the shit out of Kryss and that makes me beyond happy.
To say my life has become drastically better would be an understatement. I've gotten to travel across the U.S with Kryss, exploring abandoned buildings, driving around NYC in that clusterfuck of traffic trying to find a hotel at one in the morning. I love looking back through the pictures and seeing all of these amazing things I've done with him in just this short time.
Today, I have the best relationship with my parents that I've ever had.
I'm with someone I love more than anything and I've never been so sure of this.
As far as school, it's out of my hands. Yes, I can't go back for ridiculous reasons, but I will be back in a few years.
The issue with my sister wasn't my fault. I didn't do wrong, and I'm not just saying it because I'm trying to defend myself.
I'm working. Kryss is working. We're saving up money and we're doing great right now. I try not to use our bank card and refuse to look at the savings. We looked last night and both of us were pleasantly surprised at how much we had saved. Apartment soon? Yes, please. In NYC? Probably not, but I'll try to get as close as possible. ;)
God, I wish people could of seen me a year ago. I was a mess that kept it together. Today, I'm confident. I'm stronger that I ever was before and I'm more open about my opinions and not afraid to speak it in front of others. I'm nothing like I was before and I'm so thankful for that.
I want more changes, though.. and I'm ready.
I'm not quite sure what I want to change, but I've got a few ideas.
I can't wait for months to go by and to find this post laying in the archives and compare it to the person I will become in just a short amount of time.

This time last year.

Sometimes I find myself browsing through my Instagram feed. I love going back to the way beginning when I was beyond ecstatic to share pictures I thought were artistic. Now looking back I think, "woah, who cares to see the cereal I ate this morning?"
I decided I'd go back and see what kind of photographs I posted this time last year. When you think back to a certain time, do you ever cringe and get this odd, awkward feeling inside? Like, at that time you thought you were having fun, but now you look at it and don't like it? That's basically how I feel.
It's funny, I remember a year ago like it was yesterday. It's a little embarrassing to admit, but at the time I was unemployed. I was working for a company that I really knew nothing about. I was in training and although it was great (we rarely even worked), when we hit the floors to actually do the job, I hated it. The people in my group were close-minded and completely unprofessional. I can't tell you how many times I had to listen to them call someone a fag or get into a discussion about sex.
After training, I quit. I couldn't take the job anymore, mainly because I realized it wasn't the job for me and if I stayed, I would of been beyond miserable. Almost everyone in that group quit before hitting the floors anyway.
I was single at the time. To be honest, I was still dealing with a lot of inner issues I was experiencing. I accepted the fact that I was single, but I hated it. Seeing other couples happy and together just made me miss what I had for three years. I missed that comfort and support from another person. I was trying to get myself into a state where I was happy being single and free for once, without having to worry about another person alongside myself. I was insecure in every aspect; I didn't have a source of income and I didn't have someone that had deep feelings for me. Looking back, I didn't like the person I was. A part of me wanted to just go wild and live some kind of crazy, party life. I knew that wasn't me. Thankfully I never tried doing that, too. I would of been even more ashamed of myself.
Let's fast-forward to today.
I'm taken by the most amazing guy I could have ever imagined. He's done anything and everything to make me happy up until this point and I couldn't be any more grateful to someone than I am to him. I am constantly reminding myself how lucky I am. Him and I have had so many adventures in the short amount of time we've been together and I love laying in bed at night and talking about them.
I have my old job back. I was there yesterday for orientation and I became so happy I was back. Before I left there, I was in a completely different state and I wasn't sure I'd be this happy. People saw that I wasn't happy and they were there to console me. Going back there, I'm so much happier and confident in myself and it's nice to go back to a job you loved. I've missed that place like crazy since I moved to Texas and I'm so happy to be back there.
I'm talking to my parents again. I have an amazing relationship with them again and I don't think we've ever been this close. I know they've missed me and they're glad I'm back.
I have so many things planned for my future. I can't wait to look back at photographs a year from now to see how much I've changed from this point on.