Sometimes, I just need to take a step back. I need to stop over-thinking, putting myself in these downer moods. I've been keeping myself as busy as I can and staying positive for what seems like forever. I'm trying my hardest to take deep breaths, remember the good in life and carrying on.
It's been hard. I'm the type of person that doesn't always see the good in life, if something tragic happens I just assume it's life's way of kicking me in the ass. If I didn't have bad luck, I'd have no luck at all. A lot of times, I just laugh at the ridiculousness that is my life.
We have more news on the progress of my father's cancer, but I'm not ready to talk about that as of now.
Sometimes I find myself getting seriously frustrated and upset for no apparent reason. I'll wake up fine, have my coffee and get ready for the day. I'll find myself getting anxious and angry with everything because they're not going the way I want. I want so many things to just go right for once and they're not happening fast enough.
I stopped for awhile today. With everything going on, I stopped thinking about the present right now. I turned my laptop on and looked through my folders of pictures I've taken this year. I traced it all the way back to El Paso, Texas.
When I wasn't talking to my parents.
I wasn't with Kryss.
I was feeling lonely and sad that I couldn't go back to school.
I was living with my sister, whom I no longer speak to.
I was working, but couldn't seem to save up. I'm not sure where the hell the money I was making went.
I felt like a complete waste of space.
I compared all of those things to how I am today. Though I am a complete 180 from then, things lately have been pretty upsetting, but I'm not letting that get to me.
I read this post from July, when Kryss and I decided to move here to New York. I am still in shock and dis-belief that we are here. We've been here for months and time has just flown by, I feel like we got here just days ago. I was so nervous, coming back to a home I left in pieces. Living with my parents again. Coming back to the city I was so disgusted by, only to see it's completely changed. I have a new appreciation for Syracuse. I was afraid they may not like Kryss, but I knew they would. He's outgoing and hardworking. He'll do anything for anyone.
They love the shit out of Kryss and that makes me beyond happy.
To say my life has become drastically better would be an understatement. I've gotten to travel across the U.S with Kryss, exploring abandoned buildings, driving around NYC in that clusterfuck of traffic trying to find a hotel at one in the morning. I love looking back through the pictures and seeing all of these amazing things I've done with him in just this short time.
Today, I have the best relationship with my parents that I've ever had.
I'm with someone I love more than anything and I've never been so sure of this.
As far as school, it's out of my hands. Yes, I can't go back for ridiculous reasons, but I will be back in a few years.
The issue with my sister wasn't my fault. I didn't do wrong, and I'm not just saying it because I'm trying to defend myself.
I'm working. Kryss is working. We're saving up money and we're doing great right now. I try not to use our bank card and refuse to look at the savings. We looked last night and both of us were pleasantly surprised at how much we had saved. Apartment soon? Yes, please. In NYC? Probably not, but I'll try to get as close as possible. ;)
God, I wish people could of seen me a year ago. I was a mess that kept it together. Today, I'm confident. I'm stronger that I ever was before and I'm more open about my opinions and not afraid to speak it in front of others. I'm nothing like I was before and I'm so thankful for that.
I want more changes, though.. and I'm ready.
I'm not quite sure what I want to change, but I've got a few ideas.
I can't wait for months to go by and to find this post laying in the archives and compare it to the person I will become in just a short amount of time.
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