Stepping Back For A Moment.

Sometimes, I just need to take a step back. I need to stop over-thinking, putting myself in these downer moods. I've been keeping myself as busy as I can and staying positive for what seems like forever. I'm trying my hardest to take deep breaths, remember the good in life and carrying on.
It's been hard. I'm the type of person that doesn't always see the good in life, if something tragic happens I just assume it's life's way of kicking me in the ass. If I didn't have bad luck, I'd have no luck at all. A lot of times, I just laugh at the ridiculousness that is my life.
We have more news on the progress of my father's cancer, but I'm not ready to talk about that as of now.
Sometimes I find myself getting seriously frustrated and upset for no apparent reason. I'll wake up fine, have my coffee and get ready for the day. I'll find myself getting anxious and angry with everything because they're not going the way I want. I want so many things to just go right for once and they're not happening fast enough.
I stopped for awhile today. With everything going on, I stopped thinking about the present right now. I turned my laptop on and looked through my folders of pictures I've taken this year. I traced it all the way back to El Paso, Texas.
When I wasn't talking to my parents.
I wasn't with Kryss.
I was feeling lonely and sad that I couldn't go back to school.
I was living with my sister, whom I no longer speak to.
I was working, but couldn't seem to save up. I'm not sure where the hell the money I was making went.
I felt like a complete waste of space.
I compared all of those things to how I am today. Though I am a complete 180 from then, things lately have been pretty upsetting, but I'm not letting that get to me.
I read this post from July, when Kryss and I decided to move here to New York. I am still in shock and dis-belief that we are here. We've been here for months and time has just flown by, I feel like we got here just days ago. I was so nervous, coming back to a home I left in pieces. Living with my parents again. Coming back to the city I was so disgusted by, only to see it's completely changed. I have a new appreciation for Syracuse. I was afraid they may not like Kryss, but I knew they would. He's outgoing and hardworking. He'll do anything for anyone.
They love the shit out of Kryss and that makes me beyond happy.
To say my life has become drastically better would be an understatement. I've gotten to travel across the U.S with Kryss, exploring abandoned buildings, driving around NYC in that clusterfuck of traffic trying to find a hotel at one in the morning. I love looking back through the pictures and seeing all of these amazing things I've done with him in just this short time.
Today, I have the best relationship with my parents that I've ever had.
I'm with someone I love more than anything and I've never been so sure of this.
As far as school, it's out of my hands. Yes, I can't go back for ridiculous reasons, but I will be back in a few years.
The issue with my sister wasn't my fault. I didn't do wrong, and I'm not just saying it because I'm trying to defend myself.
I'm working. Kryss is working. We're saving up money and we're doing great right now. I try not to use our bank card and refuse to look at the savings. We looked last night and both of us were pleasantly surprised at how much we had saved. Apartment soon? Yes, please. In NYC? Probably not, but I'll try to get as close as possible. ;)
God, I wish people could of seen me a year ago. I was a mess that kept it together. Today, I'm confident. I'm stronger that I ever was before and I'm more open about my opinions and not afraid to speak it in front of others. I'm nothing like I was before and I'm so thankful for that.
I want more changes, though.. and I'm ready.
I'm not quite sure what I want to change, but I've got a few ideas.
I can't wait for months to go by and to find this post laying in the archives and compare it to the person I will become in just a short amount of time.

On change.

I've been in Syracuse since Wednesday night. I've slept in my old bed a few times and I can't tell you how badly I've missed it. I'm happy being home with the comfort of my room, it's always been my favorite spot. It's cozy and has (at least to me) such inspirational things. I've got Paris themed decorations everywhere, my cameras scattered on my bookshelf and loads of books to scan through. I'm sitting at my old desk and it's somewhere I've enjoyed being whenever I've blogged or browsed the internet. Since I've left, I could never really find anywhere to sit living in Texas where I could easily flow through my words on a post. It was always hard to sit down and focus on what I'm trying to say. Here, back at home, sitting at my desk, it's so much easier. This is a much welcomed change.
I was nervous coming back home.
I was afraid I might fall into old habits of my comfort zone being my room.
I was afraid to see people from my past, I didn't even want to go to stores or the mall because I knew I'd see people I didn't want to. The few places I have gone since being home has proven that hesitation correct. Though they haven't been a huge part of my life, I saw people I knew. No words were exchanged and I was more than okay with that. I don't want anyone coming up to me asking where I've been, how I'm doing or what my plans are. I'm at the point where they're all in my past. They're gone from my life and that's okay with me. Part of it can be sad sometimes, though. Sometimes I'll drive past a certain place and memories come flooding through. Memories of going somewhere with my friend Rose and the laughter that would ignite in the car. I've learned to remember those moments, give them time to stumble back into my mind, but I keep them there. I don't let sadness flow through me anymore. They're memories I was lucky enough to experience and cherish. I need to make new ones. I need to let go of those in my past and create these new memories to go back to.
I was afraid coming home because it meant I would have to put myself out there. I have to look for a job now, although I'm trying to go to my old one. I've never been lucky getting jobs and it's something I've always struggled with. I'm hoping this re-hire will work out because I thoroughly enjoyed working at this job. If not, I suppose I'll have to actually put myself out there and really try something new. I'm never confident when it comes to getting a job, but I've definitely been lucky before so I'm sure it'll all work out.
Part of me felt like coming back home would be a step backward in my life. I didn't want to come back home and fall back into the way I used to be. I told myself I would leave here and if I ever came back, I'd come back with more than I left. When it comes down to it, I met someone. I have a completely different mindset now that I was able to take some time away from here. I'm back home and I'm so much more mentally healthy and ready for any challenge than I was before.
I left this state in a shitty mindset and I'm returning stronger than ever.
I'm ready for any challenge that comes my way.
I have to remember that my life is my story, and I want to make it a memorable one.