Life Lately pt.II.

I know I recently did a "Life Lately" post, but this past week has been pretty difficult, so I'm going to write a little more about what's going on.
I know I'm being ridiculous. I know I'm being over dramatic. I can't help it.
These past few weeks have been just terrible for me. I'm tired of seeing everyone on social media talk about college and having finals. They're stressed out and they're complaining about studying and having to write papers. I did that too. I was a student before and I hated it, too. The thing is, I appreciate it now. Now that I haven't been in school for a year, I realize the importance and I see how badly I want it all again. I took it for granted.
As you know, I applied to a few schools a couple weeks back, not realizing how badly it would effect me. I got a letter from Colorado Mountain College saying I was accepted. I was beyond ecstatic. I'd spend hours laying in bed researching the school. I even went on Instagram and looked up the school and became filled with so much excitement thinking I may actually be going there in a few months. I was finally happy again letting myself think it would all work out.
Then I got a letter about financial aid. I filled out my FAFSA, but it wasn't complete; I needed my parents information because I wasn't considered an independent. I became enraged. I haven't lived at home for over a year, I claimed myself as an independent on my taxes and the worst part was I hadn't talked to my parents in over a year. Getting their information was going to be impossible for me. I didn't want to have to contact them and ask them for help. I wanted to do this all on my own. I declined adding their information, but I would need an official letter stating why I couldn't provide it. I wasn't abused by them, they didn't pass away and I was not going to get them to send a letter to the department saying they refused to give that information. I felt defeated. This whole time I was just trying to better myself and get back into school to further my education and make something of myself and I couldn't do it. I got my hopes up only for them to be crushed even before anything happened.
Last night I couldn't sleep. I couldn't stop thinking about school and trying to think of any way I could go back. I want this so badly. It's all I've been thinking about and it's making me sick in every possible aspect. I can't eat, I can't even sleep. I came to a decision at around 2 A.M and fell asleep with my stomach in knots.
Today, I woke up and called my mother.  I figured it was a long shot and I would end up hanging up on her because of an argument. She answered and we caught each other up on what we've been up to. As if no time had ever passed without us talking. It was awkward and then after it became unbelievably nostalgic. I missed talking to her. I felt kind of bad for the time we didn't talk.
I told her I planned on going back to school but needed their information. She said she would talk to my father this weekend and to call her next week. Apparently, my father isn't mad, just doesn't understand why so much time had passed. I don't know how I feel about him. I'm angry at him, but not really. I feel bad calling them now that I need something from them, but I feel like it's giving me a reason to get a hold of them again and maybe establish some kind of relationship?
So, I'm back to stressing and thinking about school again. I gave myself a few days to step back and forget about it all, but it's all come back. I guess I just play the waiting game. I'll call my mother again on Monday and hopefully get that information. If not, I have no other plan to fall back on.
Even if I do get the information, I still have to find out a way to take out a loan for school. This part is probably going to be the worst part and it's going to send me over the edge. I don't know why but the whole financial aspect of being a grown up absolutely freaks me out and takes over me.
I just want to move to another state. I'm ready to leave this town. It's given me amazing memories and it was a place I came to in a negative state and can leave in a much more positive time of my life.
I just want to live on my own. In a dorm room where I can meet new people and really get out of my comfort zone. I'm ready to join clubs and sports teams. I just want to try new things.
I just want to be back in a classroom, filled with students eager to learn. I'm ready to learn new things about a subject I absolutely love.
I just want to make a future for myself. I want to know I'm headed in a direction in my life that I am proud of.
I'm trying so hard not to stress or gets my hopes up. I know I'm going to end up doing so and if it fails, I'll be devastated.
I just want this so damn bad.

I apologize for the depressing post. I haven't been in a very good state of mind lately and I'm really trying to pull myself out of this rut.