Hello, 4 A.M.

Here I am, sitting in the courtyard at 4:30 in the morning not sure what the hell I'm even doing up. These past few weeks have been a struggle; depressed, crying and chain-smoking. I haven't really hit the nail on the head when it comes to why I've been feeling like this but I'm sure it's deep inside of me somewhere. And it's growing. It's this sick, cancerous lump that's generating inside of me waiting to burst. And I don't want it to. I don't want it to get to a point of no return.
I don't sleep and I barely eat. I find myself skipping meals. I fill my hunger with coffee and endless dream of a better life. I find myself angry with myself because my life could be so much worse. I could be sick. I could be dying. I could be fucking homeless. I'm not.
I think that's part of the problem. I feel sick. Not flu-like sickness but mentally sick. Bogged down with this grey cloud that's not going anywhere anytime soon.
I'm tired all the time. No matter how much sleep I get, it's never enough. I find myself up until 6 in the morning until I can't take it anymore. Until my eyelids won't stay open any longer and my brain just wants to shut off for a few hours. That's the only way I can get sleep. Otherwise, I'm laying in bed and my mind won't shut up.
I thought 2014 was going to be my year. I thought for the first time in my life, things were coming together. Life was finally piecing itself together and I would finally be happy. It started with an engagement. God, that was the best memory I replay in my head. Standing on the streets of New York City as the ball drops next to the love of my life. Next thing you know, he's on one knee proposing; something I have dreamed of since I can remember.
"This is it" I thought, my life was finally coming together. Sure, I didn't have a full-time job and I wasn't in the best situation financially. Before I knew it, we were signing papers to move in together. I lay awake at night dreaming of the times we'd spend together in our little place. Decorating it and making it our own. Something major we could share together and work on. I thought things were going to go perfectly. They did, for about two months.
Where am I today?
Back in El Paso, Texas..
We left the apartment. And we owe them $400.
Things fell apart as quickly as they had come together. We stopped getting along and eventually, he left on his way back home. 2,200 miles away. Without me.
It was the most heartbreaking, crushing moment I have ever been in. I thought I wouldn't go through a break-up again when I found him. I knew he was the kind of guy I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
And he had left.
So, I moved back in with my parents. They thought I was going to kill myself with how sick and sad and empty I had felt. It was hard. Moving back home, carrying boxes back into the home I had took them out of two months prior. Dragging in that entertainment center Kryss and I had bought a few weeks earlier, so happy we finally were able to get some furniture for the apartment.
I laid awake those two weeks trying to keep my mind at ease.. telling myself things would fall into place and I would end up where I was supposed to be. I texted him every day and even tried hearing his voice again. Just to remember what he sounded like because I never want to forget that voice. My best friends voice, the person who had planned to marry me.
It sucks.. thinking that the one person who would of done anything for you suddenly just wanted you out of their life. They wanted to wake up every morning without you next to them. They were okay with going to sleep every night without that final kiss goodnight and those sweet words of "Sleep well.."
Life really has a way of kicking you straight in the stomach.
For weeks I had tried convincing him to let me come back. I'd do anything it took just to have him back in my life. To be able to hug him again, to smell his cologne and to sit next to him in the car while we listened to his horrible music.
I fucking missed my best friend.
Finally, he agreed to let me come back. He was finally ready to try it again. To be one again.
So here I am, sitting here while he's sound asleep. Unable to sleep for reasons I'm not sure of.. but reasons I know in my heart.
Here's the honest truth..
I'm awake because it's hard sleeping next to him sometimes. It's hard knowing that at one point, he didn't want me anymore. Yeah, it was only a few weeks but during that time, I felt hopeless. I let another person consume my whole being. Most of those morning were spent talking myself into getting up that morning, telling myself I would be okay and that he was probably thinking of me.
I'm awake because I'm afraid I'm not going to be what he wants. We both agreed to change. I'm not so sure I can do that. Not that I don't want to.. but we fall into old habits easy. It's always easier said than done. Always. He's done so much for me already but I don't always appreciate it the way I should and things aren't going the way I want. One of our arguments led him to saying "You expect me to be the same, thinking you're my sun and stars and moon and drop anything for you but I won't do that anymore."
Maybe that's why I'm so unsure about everything. Because at one point, he was willing to stop anything I didn't like and to change for me.. not that I outright told him to, but he did them for me. These days, he's not so willing. It's not that I want him to do those things again, it's just that at least if I knew he'd do them for me, I'd know he was at least getting back into his old self again.
I'm awake because I feel like I dropped everything I was doing to come back to him. To be with him again I left my family and job. I didn't give a shit about any of those things because he wasn't in my life to enjoy it all with. And that's all I wanted. I have these plans and goals I want to accomplish but I'm afraid they're not going to happen because of how quickly I was able to drop what I was doing before this whole shit storm happened.
A lot of things happened during our breaking point that still gets to me to this day. A lot of fights broke out and a lot of things were said that I'm not sure are going to ever stay in my past. Yeah, I did a lot of things to get a rise out of him, just like he did for me.. but I'm finding myself always regretting saying those things. And doing those things. And hurting him to his core because I was finding any way to release frustration I had with him deciding to leave.
I find myself wondering if it would be better if I left. Got my things together and took the next bus home. Would I finally be able to be happy again? I honestly don't think so. We'd done too much together and had those special moments that I'm going to miss. And I know sometimes they're only memories and they're supposed to be looked back on and appreciated for what they were in that time. And that's it.
You move on. You repair yourself and eventually you get back on the horse again. But I don't want that.
In my mind, I picture my life with him forever and always. Getting married and pouring my heart out in front of everyone on our day when we finally become one and take the next step. I imagine us fulfilling our dreams together and being there for one another in the good and bad. I imagine us sitting outside of our home one day, wrinkled and still holding hands remembering that stupid falling out we had and the struggle it was to get back to being together again. Laughing at how long ago it happened and how it was idiotic to go through.
I love him. More than anything and I hope he feels the same. I hope I'm his last thought before he falls asleep and I hope he smiles when he wakes up in the morning and sees me resting next to him. I hope he's happy that I'm back in his life again and I hope he doesn't want to go through another experience like we had a few months ago.
I know these late night thoughts and my inability to sleep isn't completely due to this whole ordeal we're going through.. but it's a lot of what occupies my time and mind. I know there are other reasons for my depression and reasons I find myself dreaming of another life. I just hope they're not manifesting itself into something much larger and permanent.

This Time Tomorrow.

I'll be in our new apartment, probably still unpacking and getting settled. Kryss will be at work and I'll be home alone. Part of that thought excites me and the other part is terrified; I've seen too many horror movies so I'll know what to expect. I'll probably end up checking under the bed and the shower curtain 20 times that night just incase someone else came in and wants to chop my body into a million unidentifiable pieces.
It's a little bittersweet for me right now, I've been back home for almost 6 months living in my old room again. So much has changed since I left and this room doesn't even feel like it did before I left. We've turned this one bedroom into our own little home and it's been so comfortable and felt like our own little place, it'll be sad to see it emptied and left alone. This probably seems ridiculous because we're moving into an actual apartment but it's been my place for so many years.
Less than a month ago we signed lease papers and every day leading up to it has felt like an eternity, until I woke up today. Instead of waking Kryss up with the usual "_ days left!", it was spent anxious and nervous because this secretly crept up on us. I've complained so many times that this day seemed like it would never get here, but now that we're less than 24 hours away, it seems like it flew by.
I'll miss..
I'm going to miss this room like hell. The white walls that brightened the room up, the bookshelf Kryss made that is holding all of our souvenirs and cameras.
I'm going to miss being able to wake up and walk downstairs to find my mother. We talk as I'm making a pot of coffee and I won't get that anymore.
I'm going to miss my dog, Alex. Since I came back home, he's been pretty attached to me and it's going to be so sad to leave him again. It's sad to admit, but he's like my best friend. He's always so happy to see me and follows Kryss and I around the house.
I'm going to miss my mother's home-cooked meals. I missed them so badly when I lived in Texas and it was wonderful coming back to them. Kryss makes a pretty good meal but food made by mother's is more special.
I'm going to miss my father's jokes at the most random times. He always has something to say and a comeback for everything.
I'll love..
Getting in the kitchen with Kryss. I am so anxious to make meals with him and sit down to eat.
Not having to tip-toe around the house. My father has difficulty sleeping so we've been extra quiet when we wake up in the middle of the night. It'll be nice to not have to worry about waking him up.
Not having to watch my language. My father hates vulgar language.. but it's a large part of my vocabulary. Sad to admit but it'll be nice to not have to think before I speak all the time. Hah.
More photo opportunities. Sort of an odd excitement but I don't take pictures of myself or others in my parent's house. I'm trying to get into self-portraiture but I can't really do it unless it's in my room. I'm really self-conscious about that kind of thing and it's so lame to admit but it'll be nice not having to be careful when trying to take a picture.

One Week.

In one week, Kryss and I are moving into our apartment. I know I posted about it a lot but things haven't seemed to have really hit us until recently. We've been spending our spare time shopping for our home and getting things in order and figuring out how we're going to get it all done before the first. It's been so stressful but also so exciting. We still have so much to do and I hope things fall into place and come together like we hope they will.
Kryss finished the couch he's been working on for a few days and it looks so much better than I thought it would. I knew he could do it but it came out so perfectly and I can't wait to have it in our apartment. We spent last night looking for pillows and it just looks so good. We went to dozens of stores and searched through hundreds of pillows and fabrics (we almost made our own) but decided we'd spent time on projects that were more important and higher on our list. I'm so glad we decided on him building it, it not only saves us money but it's given Kryss so much confidence and it's made him so proud of his work. He put his all into this project and he's so proud of his creation. He lights up when he talks about it and he tells everyone about it. He even showed the woman at J.C Penny a picture of it and went onto a tangent about it. It's so nice to see him so passionate and confident about something.
Every night before bed we talk about everything. I honestly think this apartment has brought us closer together and it's something we're both ready for and can't wait to move forward in our lives. We've spent most of our relationship living together - with his parents and then mine. But we're finally going to be 100% on our own. We wake up every morning with the number of days until we move and we both get this insane smile on our faces and hug.
We'll get to make breakfast and dinner together every morning and night. We'll get to decorate this place however the both of us see fit. I can finally put my camera collection up and it won't be cluttered on my desk! We can share a cup of coffee in the dining room and talk about our plans for the day.
It's crazy to think about how far the both of us have come in the past six months. I remember before we even moved to New York we sat on his porch at two in the morning talking about our plans. I remember him going on about moving to New York and meeting my parents. I was hesitant because I didn't think it would all pan out. He promised he would do whatever he could to get us here and he did it. And I am so thankful to him and I hope he knows that. He wanted to see another part of the world and he knew how much I missed my parents. We talked about getting a place of our own and I knew it wouldn't happen anytime soon. I didn't think it would even happen within the next year but look at us now. We found a place within six months of moving to New York. We've done everything we said we wanted to do and I couldn't be more grateful than I am right now.
Our relationship has been a series of last-minute decisions and unexpected surprises. We never planned to move out so soon and we didn't plan on getting an apartment so soon. Things seem to have just fallen in place for us and it's nice that things have been going to well for as long as they have.
This new adventure in our lives has given us the chance to become creative again - building furniture, decorating a space of our own and we'll be able to showcase my photography and his drawings.
Thinking back to a year ago, I would have never thought I'd be with someone who treats me so well. Hell, I'm even engaged to this man. I never thought I'd be back home in New York or even moving in with someone. I've dreamt of this kind of life for so long and it's all finally coming together. For so long I've wanted to be an adult, have my own bills (crazy, I know.) and a place of my own with someone I really care about. I've wanted to be considered independent and an adult for so long and it's been a crazy challenge. A lot of ups and downs with numerous disappointments and hardships. It's been such a huge adventure for me - and Kryss and we're both glad we've had each other to go through it with.

An Open Letter To The Bachelor.

Dear Juan Pablo Galavis,
I'm going to start this by saying I had no idea who you were before I opened my Twitter feed this morning. I had no idea you were a Venezuelan soccer player and I had no previous opinions of you.
So gays shouldn't be allowed on The Bachelor? I'm still trying to wrap this around my head and try to understand where you were coming from but I honestly have no idea how logic works for you. I mean, I've spent all day thinking about how I wanted to address this and I gave myself a few hours to really let it sink in and see how I felt when I pondered on the ignorant remarks that were apparently 'misquoted'.
Not only are you saying you have gay friends but you're also calling them and every other gay individual a pervert. I mean, I'd love to know what you meant by this because I doubt it was misquoted and taken out of context as you say. We get English is your second language but come on, dude.. you really expect people to believe you didn't mean pervert but instead you were going for intense and affectionate? How would you possibly get that mixed up with pervert? Also, the whole time you kept saying you respected homosexuals so I'm going to just assume it was to cover up your own close-minded opinion and absurd beliefs on gay people.
You mean to tell me gay people are perverted but there's nothing wrong with dating over two dozen woman.. on national television? Is that supposed to be normal because to me, it's more outlandish than a homosexual. I mean, you are putting these relationships out in the open, getting to know these woman and also being affectionate and more than likely having sex with these woman. You're putting these woman against each other and they're all competing to be with you. There's nothing wrong with that to you? Although I've never seen this show, I read that you had these woman strip down for a photo shoot. So.. that's okay for your daughter to see but not two men or two woman being on this show? Not even just your daughter but for children to see a grown man having woman strip down to take pictures and compete for your "love", that's okay?
There's nothing "too hard" for people to watch if a gay man or woman was on that show, what's so hard to grasp? They're on that show for the same exact reason you are; to find love. What is so wrong with people, who are the same as you trying to find their chance at love? Sure, let this happen and you may have children seeing this and asking their parents why there are two men or two woman kissing on the television. Open the gates to let kids know that there are different types of love in the world, not just one.
Would there be a big difference between explaining why you're kissing another woman or why a man is kissing another man? "They're on this show to find love, Hunny.." should be the answer to both scenarios.
Please tell me how a gay version of The Bachelor is going to be so much harder to watch than a straight version? What exactly is going to be so different from any other season there has been? I'm going to go out on a limb here and just assume you don't agree with having a gay Bachelor because you just picture these sexual acts between men. You're not looking at it from the point of finding love, but lust. You think we're all just crazy sex-fiends and the Bachelor would spend the entire time trying to sodomize these contestants. That's the only logical explanation I could possibly have for this inconsiderate response on your part.
Let me go back to you having friends, especially the one that you're really close to. How do you think these "friends" are going to respond to your remarks? If I were your friend, I would of dropped you the instant I read that interview. For them being your close friends, you sure don't seem to have much support for them. Honestly, you sound like a really shitty friend and you don't deserve them. I'm going to make another assumption that I'm about 95% sure I'm right on; when you told them that you were going to be on The Bachelor, how'd they respond? I bet they were happy for you. I bet they wished you the best and they told you that they hoped you'd find your dream girl on that show. That's what a real friendship is.. someone who supports you no matter what, even if you want to be on national television dating twenty five woman hoping to find "the one".
Educate yourself. That interview showed who you truly were and it was a very ugly person. I hope your friends, the gay perverted ones really give you a hard time about this. I hope you can see how badly you've hurt them. Learn to understand that there are going to be people different than you, who don't need to go on a show and make woman strip down hoping to be chosen to fall in love with you. There is absolutely no difference between two men falling in love or two woman or a man and a woman. Love is love and it sees no gender. I'd also advise you to take another English class because getting perverted confused with the words affectionate and intense is just a ridiculous thing to do.
Best of luck to you,

Steven Beaudry

I Am..

I am..

.. growing increasingly excited for this apartment. I have so much to do before we move and I feel like it'll never get done and that the day will never get here. We've got a little over two weeks before move-in day and time is going so slowly. I also don't think reality has really set in for either of us and I don't think it will until we start packing up the car on the day.

.. debating on quitting the Project 365. I planned it out as a self-portrait everyday, but it's a lot harder than I imagined it would be. I'm thinking of maybe switching it from portraits of myself to a photo of daily life. I think that way it'll be a little be easier to complete that way.

.. trying to find personal blogs. One that don't revolve around pregnancy, DIYs, fashion, etc. It's not my kind of blog and it's all just been done before. I want to read more personal blogs like Susannah Conway and Esmé Wang. Those ladies are my favorite right now because of how raw and honest they are.

.. dying for American Horror Story: Coven to finish. It's my least favorite season and I'm just ready to find out who the Supreme is. It's too back and forth this season, too many deaths that are brought back and I can't stand Jessica Lange this season. She's one of my favorites on that show but they destroyed her this season. Sarah Paulson is just killin' it this season for me, though.

.. hoping to get into couponing. I used to watch Extreme Couponing but that show has went downhill for me, none of it seems real anymore. I was at work today and bought a few items for our place and used some coupons. I bought some Pantene shampoo & conditioner for $0.16. I felt this crazy rush come over me and it made me want to do it even more. I'm not sure the policies around the stores where I live but I'm going to do more research. Hopefully that will diminish some stress I already am anticipating once we do move in and realize all of the bills we've got coming our way.

.. ready to write more. Not just for this blog but for myself as well. Yesterday I opened up a new document and started re-telling a few stories of my past and it was refreshing to do so. It's nice to have these little stories saved on my laptop for me to open up when I need a bit of inspiration or to remember a good or bad time in my life. I'm excited to write more and to experience some new ones for the future.

.. Re-discovering bands I haven't listened to since high school. I do this every few months and I always get this crazy wave of nostalgia that comes over me. It puts me back in that high school stage of my life and it's crazy to think about how I was back then versus the person I am today.

Thank you Wishcake for the original post. 

A Letter To My Younger Self.

This is to that awkward kid just entering High School. The kid that had a poorly done hair job. Black hair and earrings. The kid who felt like he wasn't going to ever be good enough for that scary thing called life. That insecure little boy who spent most of his time in front of a computer locked inside his bright green room the size of a walk-in closet.
Here's the deal, kid. Things are going to be okay. You're just entering high school and you're feeling like things are just going to get tougher. You're afraid because you really don't have many friends, your best friend is your cousin. You try so hard to put this face on like you really don't give a shit what people think but you do. You want people to like you and you want to like other people. You're tired of people judging you for your looks; the piercings, the black hair and your clothing are so different than what people are used to. When it comes down to it, people are judging you based on your looks and that's something you don't need to worry about. People are always going to judge you whether it be your looks or personal beliefs, you can't please everyone. And if you try, you're just wasting your time and effort. So spend it on other things.
So that girl that called you a faggot for wearing that Simple Plan shirt shouldn't affect you like it did. She called you a slur as you passed her in the hallway between class, big deal?  You held your head up high and continued on with your day, completely ignoring her. You weren't going to feed the fire and that's something I think was smart of you.
You were still figuring yourself out at this time and it wasn't easy. You regularly skipped class because you couldn't get yourself out of bed in the morning. You felt this wave of guilt wash over you because you missed a lot of school but you could never fix that about yourself until Junior year. You still passed your classes but it wasn't your best. You knew you could do better than that. Continuing on to college didn't mean much to you until Junior year. We all have our slip-ups, don't beat yourself over it.
You're going to enter those final years of school and you're going to kick ass and surprise yourself by how much you've come along. You're going to join clubs, stay after school with some of your best friends at that time and you're going to turn yourself around like you wouldn't believe. You had this idea of how school would go in your head and how miserable it would be, but it's going to end up being some of the best years of your life. You're going to completely re-invent yourself and it's going to be good for you.
There is one slight problem, though. You're going to meet someone that you believe you will end up marrying. You're going to get accepted for school an hour away and quickly change your mind because you can't stand being away from that person. This was your biggest mistake. You let someone else take over and it's going to end up biting you in the ass.
Don't sweat over anything that happens, because it's all going to work in your favor. That breakup that caused you to move across the United States? So worth it. You're going to see a whole other part of the world, meet amazing people and end up finding the boy you plan to marry. You're going to have your small hiccups in the road but it's just going to end up being the best decision of your life. You're not going to believe how different your life will be by the age of twenty-three, you just wait. You've had all of these dreams and goals in your life and you're slowly making your way towards reaching them.
So, take it easy. Those small mistakes you're going through are just preparing you for your future. Have fun and remember things will eventually get easier. It may not always be the best of times, but you're going to look back one day glad everything happened. By twenty-three, you're not even going to remember that girl that called you that slur, her name or what she looked like. And you're not going to care, either.

On Friendships.

So, 2014 is in full swing. It's been so good to me already. I was proposed to as soon as the new year came and Kryss and I were accepted for an apartment and we move in on February 1st. This year would be starting off perfect if it wasn't for the news about my father that's been lingering for the past few months. I can't let that get me down, though. We're staying positive and we're taking it one step at a time. There's no point in letting it get me down or letting it ruin the good things that are happening. Not to sound selfish, but we can only do so much with a diagnoses like that.
I've never been the type of person to give in to others or to feel like I needed to make the first move after an argument. If I feel like I was in the wrong, I have no problem putting my pride aside and starting a conversation with that person; getting everything out in the open and mending any broken relationships. If I feel like I was wronged, I have no problem letting that person go and forgetting about them. Maybe it makes me sound like an asshole but I was taught to be strong and don't let others bring you down. If that person isn't good for you and isn't a friend to you, get rid of them. There's no point in having a one-sided relationship with someone or beating that dead horse any longer than you need to. I've had a lot of friends that I no longer speak to, whether it was just from graduating and losing touch or getting into a heated argument, it's happened. It's bound to happen to everyone in their lives and it's your choice on whether or not you want to salvage it.
I've learned a lot these past few years, I was forced to be on my own. No friends and barely any family and it's changed me into a completely different person. I've learned to rely on myself and myself only, because even the best of friends can be a bit of a letdown. Living in Texas for that year really shaped me into a more independent person, I've learned that I can be on my own and I'll be okay. I don't need other people. I've always needed a close friend or someone that I could talk to when I hit a roadblock in my life. I always had that one friend I could turn to when I was upset about a situation or sad because of my loneliness.
This year, I'm trying to improve myself even further. I've grown internally and it's been the best thing that's happened to me and I'm so glad everything happened. I recently reactivated my Facebook, thinking it wouldn't be a big deal. It'd be another network to log onto and kill some time with. It actually brought a whole slew of others things that caused me to lay awake at night and think about.
Friends I had lost connection with in particular.
If you know me, you'll see that I can be a very stubborn person. If I'm offended or hear you say something that really doesn't stick right with me, you'll know it.
I lost a relationship with a good friend when I went to Texas over some news that I wasn't happy to hear. The trust I had with that person had been broken and I felt personally wronged. It led me to completely cutting this person out of my life and forgetting about them. I figured I didn't need another person that I wasn't able to trust.
I decided something a few nights ago. Instead of just cutting this person out of my life, why not see where it could go? It wouldn't hurt to try and worst case scenario, we form some kind of understanding and we occasionally catch up. No big deal. So, I added her on Facebook. We ended up talking for awhile and even got on the phone to talk. It was a little awkward at first, but in the end I was glad I did it. We may not be as close as we once were, but it's a thing that may take time. Maybe we'll form a close bond again or maybe we'll just talk once in awhile when something great or terrible happens to one of us.
I went a step further and mended another friendship that was broken. Same thing, we were never really close, but it's still nice to have people in your life to talk to once in awhile. To be able to talk about your day, good or bad and get some positive feedback.
Though I never expected to fix these relationships, there are some that I just can't get myself to begin to try with. There are certain people in my life that have wronged me in the worst way possible and it's a definite no for me. There are people that come into your life, teach you a lesson or two and leave. And that's it. No more words spoken between the two of you. You continue on with life and always remember the lessons learned. Maybe once in awhile you'll walk past a building or coffee shop and remember a laugh shared between the both of you and then you carry on with your day. A simple moment to remember a good time in your life with someone who once was and never will be again.
I'm twenty-three years old and I'm not even close to being a full adult. I'm still learning to let go of the wrongs that have happened to me by those I once considered close to me. I feel a bit childish to hold a grudge against someone who once hurt me because it's almost like a playschool buddy breaking your favorite toy. You cry and say mean things and you move on to the next. Some of these wrongs just aren't as minuscule as a toy, though. Some things that have happened to be have left me feeling like I wasn't as important to that person as I once thought.
I'm still learning, though. I'm slowly realizing that just because you feel wronged, doesn't mean you can't make the first move. Approach the situation like an intelligent adult and go from there. Grudges aren't fun and they can tear people up inside. Repair as many broken relationships as you see fit but forget the ones who have no place for your future. Sometimes you've got to have these burned relationships to remember to never let them happen to you again. You'll choose these friends more wisely in the future and you'll learn that you can't always trust those who you once thought you could.