Hello, 4 A.M.

Here I am, sitting in the courtyard at 4:30 in the morning not sure what the hell I'm even doing up. These past few weeks have been a struggle; depressed, crying and chain-smoking. I haven't really hit the nail on the head when it comes to why I've been feeling like this but I'm sure it's deep inside of me somewhere. And it's growing. It's this sick, cancerous lump that's generating inside of me waiting to burst. And I don't want it to. I don't want it to get to a point of no return.
I don't sleep and I barely eat. I find myself skipping meals. I fill my hunger with coffee and endless dream of a better life. I find myself angry with myself because my life could be so much worse. I could be sick. I could be dying. I could be fucking homeless. I'm not.
I think that's part of the problem. I feel sick. Not flu-like sickness but mentally sick. Bogged down with this grey cloud that's not going anywhere anytime soon.
I'm tired all the time. No matter how much sleep I get, it's never enough. I find myself up until 6 in the morning until I can't take it anymore. Until my eyelids won't stay open any longer and my brain just wants to shut off for a few hours. That's the only way I can get sleep. Otherwise, I'm laying in bed and my mind won't shut up.
I thought 2014 was going to be my year. I thought for the first time in my life, things were coming together. Life was finally piecing itself together and I would finally be happy. It started with an engagement. God, that was the best memory I replay in my head. Standing on the streets of New York City as the ball drops next to the love of my life. Next thing you know, he's on one knee proposing; something I have dreamed of since I can remember.
"This is it" I thought, my life was finally coming together. Sure, I didn't have a full-time job and I wasn't in the best situation financially. Before I knew it, we were signing papers to move in together. I lay awake at night dreaming of the times we'd spend together in our little place. Decorating it and making it our own. Something major we could share together and work on. I thought things were going to go perfectly. They did, for about two months.
Where am I today?
Back in El Paso, Texas..
We left the apartment. And we owe them $400.
Things fell apart as quickly as they had come together. We stopped getting along and eventually, he left on his way back home. 2,200 miles away. Without me.
It was the most heartbreaking, crushing moment I have ever been in. I thought I wouldn't go through a break-up again when I found him. I knew he was the kind of guy I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
And he had left.
So, I moved back in with my parents. They thought I was going to kill myself with how sick and sad and empty I had felt. It was hard. Moving back home, carrying boxes back into the home I had took them out of two months prior. Dragging in that entertainment center Kryss and I had bought a few weeks earlier, so happy we finally were able to get some furniture for the apartment.
I laid awake those two weeks trying to keep my mind at ease.. telling myself things would fall into place and I would end up where I was supposed to be. I texted him every day and even tried hearing his voice again. Just to remember what he sounded like because I never want to forget that voice. My best friends voice, the person who had planned to marry me.
It sucks.. thinking that the one person who would of done anything for you suddenly just wanted you out of their life. They wanted to wake up every morning without you next to them. They were okay with going to sleep every night without that final kiss goodnight and those sweet words of "Sleep well.."
Life really has a way of kicking you straight in the stomach.
For weeks I had tried convincing him to let me come back. I'd do anything it took just to have him back in my life. To be able to hug him again, to smell his cologne and to sit next to him in the car while we listened to his horrible music.
I fucking missed my best friend.
Finally, he agreed to let me come back. He was finally ready to try it again. To be one again.
So here I am, sitting here while he's sound asleep. Unable to sleep for reasons I'm not sure of.. but reasons I know in my heart.
Here's the honest truth..
I'm awake because it's hard sleeping next to him sometimes. It's hard knowing that at one point, he didn't want me anymore. Yeah, it was only a few weeks but during that time, I felt hopeless. I let another person consume my whole being. Most of those morning were spent talking myself into getting up that morning, telling myself I would be okay and that he was probably thinking of me.
I'm awake because I'm afraid I'm not going to be what he wants. We both agreed to change. I'm not so sure I can do that. Not that I don't want to.. but we fall into old habits easy. It's always easier said than done. Always. He's done so much for me already but I don't always appreciate it the way I should and things aren't going the way I want. One of our arguments led him to saying "You expect me to be the same, thinking you're my sun and stars and moon and drop anything for you but I won't do that anymore."
Maybe that's why I'm so unsure about everything. Because at one point, he was willing to stop anything I didn't like and to change for me.. not that I outright told him to, but he did them for me. These days, he's not so willing. It's not that I want him to do those things again, it's just that at least if I knew he'd do them for me, I'd know he was at least getting back into his old self again.
I'm awake because I feel like I dropped everything I was doing to come back to him. To be with him again I left my family and job. I didn't give a shit about any of those things because he wasn't in my life to enjoy it all with. And that's all I wanted. I have these plans and goals I want to accomplish but I'm afraid they're not going to happen because of how quickly I was able to drop what I was doing before this whole shit storm happened.
A lot of things happened during our breaking point that still gets to me to this day. A lot of fights broke out and a lot of things were said that I'm not sure are going to ever stay in my past. Yeah, I did a lot of things to get a rise out of him, just like he did for me.. but I'm finding myself always regretting saying those things. And doing those things. And hurting him to his core because I was finding any way to release frustration I had with him deciding to leave.
I find myself wondering if it would be better if I left. Got my things together and took the next bus home. Would I finally be able to be happy again? I honestly don't think so. We'd done too much together and had those special moments that I'm going to miss. And I know sometimes they're only memories and they're supposed to be looked back on and appreciated for what they were in that time. And that's it.
You move on. You repair yourself and eventually you get back on the horse again. But I don't want that.
In my mind, I picture my life with him forever and always. Getting married and pouring my heart out in front of everyone on our day when we finally become one and take the next step. I imagine us fulfilling our dreams together and being there for one another in the good and bad. I imagine us sitting outside of our home one day, wrinkled and still holding hands remembering that stupid falling out we had and the struggle it was to get back to being together again. Laughing at how long ago it happened and how it was idiotic to go through.
I love him. More than anything and I hope he feels the same. I hope I'm his last thought before he falls asleep and I hope he smiles when he wakes up in the morning and sees me resting next to him. I hope he's happy that I'm back in his life again and I hope he doesn't want to go through another experience like we had a few months ago.
I know these late night thoughts and my inability to sleep isn't completely due to this whole ordeal we're going through.. but it's a lot of what occupies my time and mind. I know there are other reasons for my depression and reasons I find myself dreaming of another life. I just hope they're not manifesting itself into something much larger and permanent.