Late Night Thoughts V.2

"Late Night Thoughts" is a blog series created for those of us that are night owls. The series is a reflection of my thoughts and ideas that come late at night when most people are already asleep. I've found that my inspiration comes in the later parts of the night, so this is my way of writing them down and sharing them with those that are like me.
It's almost 5 A.M. and here I am again, unable to sleep and can't get my mind to stop running. 
These past few days, I've been thinking a lot about my role on the internet and how much time I waste looking through webpages. I'm constantly scrolling through Tumblr, Bloglovin' and Twitter. Once I close my laptop, I unlock my phone and I'm back on Twitter and even Instagram. I can honestly say I'm addicted to the internet and social media. I feel less pathetic saying that because most of us are addicted, it's become a social norm to constantly be on your phone looking through your various feeds. 
I've been debating a lot whether or not to just de-activate everything. I did it with Facebook a year and a half ago and I haven't regretted it in the least. It's nice not having it, probably one of the best decisions I made. I didn't care what people from high school were doing, most of them were all about drama anyway. I didn't talk to most of them while I was in that school, so why should I care to know why you're pissed at your significant other?
I haven't uploaded a picture on Instagram in weeks, but I do open it just to see what others have posted. I love the creativity of other people and the adventures they take. It actually inspires me and makes me want to do some creative things. I just haven't felt the inspiration to post a picture. Part of me is over the whole thing. I mean, maybe if I took more trips or even got of the house more often. Honestly, I'm more worried about making money right now so I can move.

I've been thinking about my blog a lot lately, too. My main goal for this blog is to document my life and I would hope to inspire others. I already read old posts and am amazed at how much I've changed. I'm amazed at how far I've come and how different my life is than I expected. The thing is, I feel pretty un-inspired most of the time. I think of posts to write, but after awhile I just feel like they're less important and don't care to amuse the idea anymore. I posted about that design project Kryss and I were going to do, but that got pushed aside. We both work odd hours and again, the whole self-conscious and lack of inspiration thing kicks in. I'm trying not to let it get me down or to think the idea will just crash and burn before it even begins. We've got the next few days off so hopefully we'll pan out some sort of ideas. I don't want to give up already and I feel like if we just stick with it for awhile, it can be worth it. 

To be honest, the audience has a lot to do with it. I feel like I'm being two different people at times. A part of me has the mouth of a trucker and the humor of Lisa Lampanelli. Another part wants to keep it professional and clean. I don't want to put out this ridiculous facade that I'm perfect or that I don't have a tendency to swear, because that's just not me. I know vulgarity is a touchy subject, especially when you want to attract a certain group of people. Some bloggers purposely don't swear or add a certain humor to their blogs because it's not completely accepted. I hate that. You're not being yourself when you do that. 

I feel this stupid pressure to post as often as possible, get on a schedule so people can grow accustomed to your posts. It's stressful as hell, though. 

A part of me just wants to delete all social media. I'll spend my time reading books, drinking coffee and taking photographs to keep for memories. I'll keep a journal to share personal moments and it'll be for me and only me. No pressure, no schedule and no self-consciousness will be felt. I'll be completely open and honest with myself. I'm not so sure I could do that, though. I like sharing moments with anyone and everyone who wants to read about it. I like having this little piece of the internet to come to and reflect back on. 

I need to stop stressing about it all. I mean, it's just a blog. It's nice to have people watching it and keeping track of your posts but in the end, it doesn't matter. When inspiration and a want to blog comes to me, it'll be nice but if not, it's nothing to worry about. I need to start embracing my real life and not worrying so much about what's happening online. We're too addicted to social media and what's happening in other people's lives, we need to start remembering to make ours special.
In the end, that's all that really matters, right?

Late Night Thoughts

"Late Night Thoughts" is a blog series created for those of us that are night owls. The series is a reflection of my thoughts and ideas that come late at night when most people are already asleep. I've found that my inspiration comes in the later parts of the night, so this is my way of writing them down and sharing them with those that are like me.

I'm sitting in the living room with a cup of Orange Blossom tea, my sisters cat sitting on the couch next to me and this song on repeat. I'm feeling content right now, though I think I'm getting sick. My throat hurts and my nose is stuffy and aches. My days have been consisting on working and coming home and catching up on my favorite series. I can't complain, though. 

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about my life and how lonely I feel sometimes. Since moving to Texas, I have only made one friend and that was through an ex. We don't hang out much at all and we rarely text. I'm fine with it, though. I've become very selective on who I want in my life and who I want to share my life with. I think I'm just going through a phase where I just want to be alone. People are shocked to find out that I don't have a best friend or someone I at least have to talk to when I need it. 

Sure, sometimes I hit my breaking point where all I want is someone to talk to. Someone that will listen to me and my endless ramblings and problems that really aren't even that big in the grand scheme of things. I miss someone I can call out of the blue just to see what's up. I miss having someone I can share anything and everything with. I miss having a best friend that constantly reminded me how much of a good person I was. I also miss being there for them. I get a certain joy out of being there for another person, listening to them and giving them advice when they need it. 

But when I think about it, I'm okay with that. I'm okay with being by myself most of the time. Call me crazy or anti-social.. but I like it. 

Since moving here, I've learned so much about myself. I was able to sit by myself most days and just reflect on everything. I was able to think clearer and figure myself out. I have new interests and new ideas that are forming in my mind and when I imagine my future, it's completely different than I thought it would be. It's scary to a certain aspect, but it's exciting and I welcome it more than anything. I can honestly say I have a love for myself I didn't have before. I'm much more accepting of myself than ever before. 

And the best part? I'm not done yet. 

I'm still learning new things about myself.

I'm still learning to smile more when I look at myself. 

I'm laughing more than ever before.

I'm thankful to be alive. I may only have a part-time job, no friends and I'm not back in school yet, but I appreciate it all. A year ago, I didn't want to live anymore. I wanted to lay on the ground and give up. To stop caring about everything and anything that was in my life at that time. I hated myself and who I was for being that broken. I don't ever want to feel that way again. 

I'm stronger than I was a year ago.

I'm smarter than I was a year ago.

I'm emotionally stronger than I was a year ago. 

I guess, to sum this post up, I'm just happier than I have been in a very long time. I'm still progressing and creating my own path in life, and it's scary and exciting and I can't wait to see what's in store. I'm feeling stronger than ever and I'm ready to put myself out there and do whatever I set my mind on. Sometimes, I just need a reminder of how strong I am. When I'm feeling down, I'll have this post to look back on and see just how much potential I have.