Soon You Begin To Realize Your Own Mortality.

This whole mortality concept has been on my mind a lot lately, especially given the last few days. As I've posted before, my father has prostate cancer. The docter's told him they feel good about it, but then it changed to, "If radiation doesn't take, you'll have 3-5 years.." which hit like a ton of fucking bricks. I can't imagine taking the news that I've got a set time to live the rest of my life before I died. I couldn't imagine sitting in that office being told I would soon die. He's in his early 50's, I mean.. that's still considered young. At least to me.
He's been upset a lot. He is a proud man and he doesn't let emotions show or when times hit hard, he puts on his strong face and faces it head on but when you get news like this, it's not going to be so easy. He's worried about my mother and he wants to make sure she's taken care of. When it comes down to it, that's his biggest fear, that my mother won't be taken care of after he passes.
Last night, he sat me and my mother down and had a serious talk with us about what's going on. He says things are getting bad again, to where he can't walk. He's saying he's probably going to have to be taken out of work again because it's getting to that point all over again. He doesn't think the radiation is doing anything and he doesn't believe he's got even three years left.
I still don't understand this. How does this happen to a man who has worked his ass off his entire time? Sure, him and I may not have had the best relationship, but when it comes down to it, he has done everything and anything for his family. Whenever someone is in a tight situation he is there to help. He doesn't ask for a thank you and he does it without expecting something in return.
He doesn't deserve this and he still has so much left in him. But it's being taken away.
I told him I already had my mother in mind when dealing with this situation. Of course I wouldn't want anything to happen to him, but in the search of an apartment, Kryss and I are keeping in mind a worse case scenario. If anything were to happen, my mother would live with us. She'd be taken care of. She wouldn't have to worry about affording a mortgage all on her own.
Death really fucks with my mind. I've dealt with a lot of death in my life and it all started at a very young age. I lost my brother when I was eight years old and it just seems like periodically I would lose another person close to me. From a young age I was faced with the idea of mortality and the fact that it's inevitable. When it's your time, it's your time. There's nothing you can do about it.
Death makes me want to sit down with the victim and become this open book of emotions and encouragement. Sure, I don't know what's on the other side, but I'd want them to know not to be afraid. I'd tell them to think about all of those people they have lost and the fact that they'll be reunited. It makes me want to give thanks to that person for everything they've done and to put any harsh feelings or bullshit arguments we had in the past and to forget about them. I want to hug the person and tell them I love them and I couldn't be the person I am today without them.
But I suppose when it comes down to it, death shouldn't make me want to share emotions or appreciation to others. That's the way I was raised, though. My family never showed emotion or times of hardcomings.
I was talking to Kryss last night, who has never dealt with death. I said "It's the hardest thing you'll have to endure. The sad thing is, I've dealt with so much death in my life that it's not as hard as it used to be. You learn to deal with the pain and you know what to expect when dealing with grief." It's sad, but I know what's going to happen. It's this never-ending or changing cycle that you go through when dealing with death and it's become so repetitive to me, I know all of those feelings and stages I'll go through.
We still have hope, I still have hope. Maybe it's all in his head, or maybe after more radiation things will start to look up. I guess that's all we really can do.

I am a little apprehensive to post about this kind of stuff on my blog, but I want to remember everything in years to come. The good, the bad and the ugly are things I want to be able to sit back and read and grow from.