On change.

I've been in Syracuse since Wednesday night. I've slept in my old bed a few times and I can't tell you how badly I've missed it. I'm happy being home with the comfort of my room, it's always been my favorite spot. It's cozy and has (at least to me) such inspirational things. I've got Paris themed decorations everywhere, my cameras scattered on my bookshelf and loads of books to scan through. I'm sitting at my old desk and it's somewhere I've enjoyed being whenever I've blogged or browsed the internet. Since I've left, I could never really find anywhere to sit living in Texas where I could easily flow through my words on a post. It was always hard to sit down and focus on what I'm trying to say. Here, back at home, sitting at my desk, it's so much easier. This is a much welcomed change.
I was nervous coming back home.
I was afraid I might fall into old habits of my comfort zone being my room.
I was afraid to see people from my past, I didn't even want to go to stores or the mall because I knew I'd see people I didn't want to. The few places I have gone since being home has proven that hesitation correct. Though they haven't been a huge part of my life, I saw people I knew. No words were exchanged and I was more than okay with that. I don't want anyone coming up to me asking where I've been, how I'm doing or what my plans are. I'm at the point where they're all in my past. They're gone from my life and that's okay with me. Part of it can be sad sometimes, though. Sometimes I'll drive past a certain place and memories come flooding through. Memories of going somewhere with my friend Rose and the laughter that would ignite in the car. I've learned to remember those moments, give them time to stumble back into my mind, but I keep them there. I don't let sadness flow through me anymore. They're memories I was lucky enough to experience and cherish. I need to make new ones. I need to let go of those in my past and create these new memories to go back to.
I was afraid coming home because it meant I would have to put myself out there. I have to look for a job now, although I'm trying to go to my old one. I've never been lucky getting jobs and it's something I've always struggled with. I'm hoping this re-hire will work out because I thoroughly enjoyed working at this job. If not, I suppose I'll have to actually put myself out there and really try something new. I'm never confident when it comes to getting a job, but I've definitely been lucky before so I'm sure it'll all work out.
Part of me felt like coming back home would be a step backward in my life. I didn't want to come back home and fall back into the way I used to be. I told myself I would leave here and if I ever came back, I'd come back with more than I left. When it comes down to it, I met someone. I have a completely different mindset now that I was able to take some time away from here. I'm back home and I'm so much more mentally healthy and ready for any challenge than I was before.
I left this state in a shitty mindset and I'm returning stronger than ever.
I'm ready for any challenge that comes my way.
I have to remember that my life is my story, and I want to make it a memorable one.