On pushing yourself.

Life lately has been pretty slow. I've been working as much as possible and I spend the rest of my day drinking coffee and day dreaming of a better life for myself. I'm so thankful I have a job, one that for the most part I enjoy. I'm thankful I have my sister in my life to help me get through whatever I need help with. The thing is, I feel pretty insignificant. I don't feel like my life is taking any sort of direction at this moment. I feel like I'm at a standstill. I was thinking the other day and it came to me; I feel like my days just repeat. I forget what day it is because I'm in such a routine and do the same thing everyday, I feel like they just blur into one. Does that make sense?
Yesterday, I found myself creating this perfect picture in my head. For so long now, I've wanted to go back to school. Everyday I'm reminded of this when I see everyone else talk about their classes or how much work they've got to do. I miss that. I miss being stressed about school and being worried I won't be able to write a paper before the due date. It sounds lame because I remember in the past I hated it, but it challenged me and when I really sat down to write it, I didn't mind it. I want to attend college and be involved and interact with other students. I want to finally work on making myself a better person and aim for a degree. I want to feel like I'm making a future for myself. I don't feel like that at all right now. A girl I work with keeps telling me "You need to go back to school. You're way too smart and I don't want to see you waste away here." which.. no one has ever said something like that to me. No one has ever really told me I'm too good for a place or too smart. It's encouraging and heartbreaking at the same time. I mean, I know I'm not as smart as I'd like to be, but for someone to take notice of it and believe in me, when we only see each other at work is pretty amazing.
For so long I've pictured going back to school and being excited but then I'm hit with reality. Do I really believe I'll get accepted anywhere besides a community college? Probably not. I didn't do so well at my last college and it was because I lived at home. I'd go to school, get work and come home and put it off because I was comfortable at home. I couldn't get myself to become motivated once I got back home to actually do it. The funny thing is, the courses that dealt with my major, I got all A's in. I kicked ass in those classes. In all honesty, I feel like if I applied to a college, it would be a waste. I would waste my time putting in all that work only to be rejected later on.
I'm finally at a point in my life where I want to apply to a school, get accepted and move on campus. I'm ready to really study and kick ass. I'm ready to start building a future for myself and prove to everyone that I am not as lazy as I've been portraying. I'm such a procrastinator and it's been my downfall my whole life. It also doesn't help that dealing with school applications and tuition stresses me out and scares me to hell that I am too afraid to take the next step and do it. I'm terrified of being in debt because of school that I haven't made any moves in life because of it. I can't be like that. I have to finally put my fears aside and just think about my future and making sure I'm ready for it and willing to do whatever I have to.
I need to do more than just work. I don't want my life to continue being a standstill. I need a new adventure in my life and I need to open a new chapter.
I had a talk with my sister last night at dinner. I texted her yesterday morning and told her we needed to talk about school for me because I felt like such a loser. I knew if I didn't text her then I wouldn't later on or bring it up. At dinner, I told her my issues and to sum it up she said "I don't want to see you not do something because you don't believe you can, because you can." which made me stop and think for a moment. For so long, I've wanted to do things but I didn't believe in myself. I would imagine these plans unfold and they would excite me and make me want to do anything possible to achieve these goals. Then I would tell myself there's no way in hell I could actually do that. The idea would then be put away and I wouldn't touch it again. I've doubted myself and my goals for so long. I've been afraid. I don't want to be rejected and I don't want to try out for a goal and then it come crashing to the ground. It would devastate me. I'm terrified of failing at something.
I can't do that anymore. I want to go back to school and work on creating a solid future for myself. So, instead of wishing and hoping that one day I can do it, I need to do it now. I have to stop thinking about the rejection and failure it could bring. Anything you do can fail. Anything you do can also be a success. There's only one way to find out. Do it.
So, today I am no longer worried about the failure this could bring. I am no longer going to worry about the what-if's and the possibility of something happening in my life. There is only one way to find out if I can actually achieve this goal and that's to do it. I'm going to start researching schools and looking up programs and see where this can take me. I am going to be completely lost and have no idea what I'm doing for awhile, but I am going to only better myself for doing this. I am no longer going to let my life stand still and be at a hold.
I'm nervous.
I'm scared.
And I'm hopeful.
I can do this. I'm going to do this.
I'm ready.